Count me in as another person who has been silent, but reading, following links, listening.

First, people kicking themselves because they've never seen anything questionable in his behavior -- please don't be harsh on yourselves. I too liked Sunil, quite a bit. But I worked in three DV shelters, and this is the 2nd guy this year whose behavior was abusive and has caught me utterly flatfooted, and left me aghast.

I am sadly in support of a ban. Look, I'm sincerely not being mememe, but I am looking at this through the lens of my experience. As someone who has engaged in destructive behaviors that hurt people I cared for, and who was given multiple chances to stop engaging in those behaviors, it was not until people I loved and respected decided that although they cared for me and wished me well in my struggles, they no longer could be an active part of my life while I was engaging in those behaviors.

It was, and continues to be, very painful. But it worked for me. To see all these people I respected and valued shun me -- my anger and fear, my justifications and rationalizations received a sledgehammer blow, and I was left naked and alone in a spotlight. It. Was. Horrible.

But it was necessary, and I know now it was incredibly hard on those who needed to remove me from their lives unless and until I demonstrated lasting change.

So I can say I feel empathy and compassion towards Sunil. I really do. But empathy doesn't mean a blank check. You have to earn forgiveness through actively and consistently analyzing and changing your behavior. Once you've shattered trust, it is very, very hard to get it back, and sometimes, it is irrevocably broken.

I thought long and hard about remaining silent and either going along with a concensus, or quietly voting. But if I remained silent, if I didn't come out and say "I have not seen this behavior, but I believe you" to the people who have been hurt by his actions, then I'd be turning my back on facing hard emotional truths.

And this year, for me, has been all about facing hard emotional truths in all of my relationships.

Behavior has consequences. I truly hope that this is a come to Jesus moment for Sunil. I think (but I can't truly know) that he didn't mean to hurt anyone -- but he did, over and over, despite being told that these behaviors were harmful.

BTDT.

But being genuinely sorry doesn't mean shit in this kind of situation; demonstrating, over and over and over again, that you are no longer a toxic person is the only thing that really matters.

I am sorry this is so rambling and long. I hope no one takes this as a self-congratulatory or...god, I don't even know. Takes this wrong. This year I've become fairly terrified and very cautious about talking when I should be listening.

I'm sick with anxiety to press post, but I will. And then I'll go back to listening again, in the sincere hope that this painful incident will eventually result in a positive.

ETA: Fixed crazy typos.

I hate that people I care about -- MY people -- were hurt and don't feel safe here. I hate that I didn't know what was happening and my silence contributed to people feeling unsafe.

I hate all that, and I hate that I couldn't trust my instincts, and/or even effectively express my instincts.

I am so shocked right now. That said, he needs to go. Several members of our community have spoken up with truly horrendous stories and that is all I personally need to know. I sincerely hope that he learns and grows from this and apparently other situations stemming from his actions. Wow. Just, wow. I'm sorry to my fellow Buffistae who've suffered.

I hope you can get rid of any guilt feelings quickly and easily, Dana. You have done nothing wrong, not even a little bit.

I'm glad you posted that Strix. It's a valuable perspective. And I'm just glad to hear how you are doing, incidentally.

I think voting to suspend the rules is the right thing to do. I'm sorry we didn't see that we had cause to take action before now.

Would it be a good idea to remove him from the FB group now so that if there's anyone who feels the need to share or chime in out of his view we have a place to do that? I don't want to split up the discussion but it strikes me that might be helpful in some ways.

I think y'all can try and stop beating yourselves up here.

He got a lot of slack because he was a maladjusted kid. He received forgiveness and discretion because we knew how screwed up his upbringing was. Many of us have been and even continue to be awkward or damaged or outsiders or otherwise have a lot to learn and extended kindness to him out of empathy as much as anything else.

He also received a lot of wise counsel for a good long time, however. And he did not take it. He did not slide from abused to abuser ignorant and isolated with no access to knowledge that could bring him evolution or redemption. Ultimately he embraced the arrogance and manipulation of his parents and as an adult employs them.

We did our best by someone who needed it and that was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, it did not work and it's time to say he can't be part of this community.

Maybe we should have pulled the plug sooner. Maybe we were discrete for too long. There is no perfect way to execute this sort of thing. I beg of you, cut yourselves as least as much slack as you cut him. That is kindness you deserve and will not abuse.

(Hugs the stuffing out of Trudy.IJS.)

I'm glad you posted that Strix. It's a valuable perspective. And I'm just glad to hear how you are doing, incidentally.

I agree 100%.

And after a quick fall into the Twitter rabbit-hole, I am even more shocked and outraged. Nope, nope, nope. He just has to go.