Fay, in Bitches:
I was talking about it with another colleague - she taught Year 5 (which I'm teaching this year) last year, and we were comparing notes wrt parental craziness about the trip. And then she told me about her First Ever School Trip, back when she was a newly-minted teacher, all wet behind the ears. And I have to share this story with you.
So, my friend (let's call her Nat, because - well, because it's her name, damn it) was leading this group of kids on a trip to Dudley Zoo. Do not imagine a big sexy fantastic cutting edge zoo, ladies and gentlemen across the pond - this is Dudley. It's...I can't think of a USian equivalent, but we're not talking London, Paris, Rome, New York, Dudley in terms of sophistication here.
Ahem. Anyway, so, off they went to the zoo. And of course you're always freaking out about health and safety, and trying to predict who's going to barf on the bus, and counting heads every five minutes to check nobody's suddenly spontaneously combusted, or whatever, but it all went pretty smoothly. The kids looked at the animals, and they bought candy and cheap rubbish in the gift shop, and had their packed lunches, and all went according to plan. They rounded the kids up in time to get them all on the bus, and headed back to school, knackered but satisfied in a job well done.
Only...there was this smell. This most unfortunate smell. So, grimly, Nat went up and down the aisle of the bus, asking kids to check their shoes to find out who'd stood in something unfortunate. And she couldn't find anything. And the smell didn't go away. Indeed, if anything, it became more noticeable. She searched the bus, following her nose, and eventually found this kid all zipped up in his jacket, looking shiftily up at her. She looked down at him. He looked up at her. Beads of cold sweat stood out on his forehead. The stench was at its most pervasive right there, around the kid.
Nat tried to figure out how best to ask if he had crapped himself without humiliating him for all time before his friends.
And then she noticed his jacket twitching, and a hideous suspicion dawned upon her, and she got him to open his jacket.
And discovered that he had stolen a penguin.
...
...
...
So of course they do a frantic U-Turn and go hurtling back to the zoo, penguin in tow, and have to march kid and penguin off the bus to go and return the penguin to the zookeepers.
He stole a fucking penguin.
is still awed