Jess: I want a set of wine charms. I think they're dreadfully cute.

Brenda: I kind of figure that if you can't keep track of your glass, you're too drunk to care about the cooties.

John H discusses the history of Australia, in Natter. Is this a great country or what?

• The fleet gets here. They send a boat ashore to see if there are lots of wild animals or scary natives around. There aren't.
• They bring the cook from the ship to gather fresh vegetables if possible. The cook is Chinese. Please note, racists, that Asian people were in this country, and doing something useful, since the first hour, which can't necessarily be said of the rest of us.
• They wait offshore until the following day.
• They come ashore, drink rum and toast King George. Please note that Australia day, the 26th of January, is not the anniversary of their arrival, it's just the anniversary of the first drinking of alcohol in Australia
• They bring the male prisoners ashore, and make them build houses for the security of the female prisoners
• This takes a week. I think feminists should make a point of celebrating Australia day in early February, to symbolise that they've been marginalised and kept back since the very start
• Finally the makeshift shelters are finished. The female prisoners are brought ashore.
• Sydney has one of those insanely huge thunderstorms we're famous for, the shelters are ruined, the prisoners (who haven't had the company of the opposite sex in months) run riot, get into the rum, and everyone ends up completely wasted having sex in the mud.

[I'm just setting up the punchline. I am not COMMing myself. That would be wrong.]

Meara: Oh, might've been. She was swimming when she met the lynx and there was beastiality...

Anonymous Person: She was licking her lynx?

Jess: With a LYNX?? Claws! Claws in new places!

Dear Santa belle -

Please give me a fortune and some fame so's I can buy a big house with lots of land so my wife will finally shut up about the fucking camel.

Also see previous letters re: the ability to make people's heads explode using only the power of my mind. It has now been nineteen years since I first made this request and I am getting quite impatient. As always I promise to use this ability "responsibly".

I have been very good and have not chopped out anyone's liver just to hear them scream for months.

Hope this letter finds you in good health.

Yrs.,

Miracleman

Jen, talking about the plot to Sweet November:

Chaz got to live with a guy who looked like Michael Rosenbaum, and Charlize Theron's character had to spend a month with a guy who looked and acted a lot like Keanu Reeves. I ask you, who was the unlucky one?

Rob: I think I've got an excess of blood in my caffeine system. I'll go fix that now.

billytea in Lit:

Other phrases you're unlikely to come across in a sex scene in a romance novel:

• Screech
• Three-speed setting
• Hooker
• Baby got back
• Henry Kissinger
• Grunties
• 'Can I bring a friend?'
• Tiny
• Wombles

If someone can edit to make a list, please do. When I try, the list is double-spaced.done

Someone quoted one of the Secret Diaries (Sauron):

Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.

And in response, DXMachina said:

Sounds like Sauron needs a digital palantir.

Heather Alayne: I got a phone call from my dad on my wedding night asking if we liked the hotel room he got for us. It had twin beds.

PMM: Maoist is one letter off of moist.