Holli, that was wonderful! (And oddly like one of my college essays, so it's probably not surprising that I like it.) Also, what Hil said.

Thanks, Theodosia! Now I really want to read your story, rather than write mine, even though, with the introduction of the evil TEMPtress, I finally have a conflict. [Editor's note: How many commas can I fit in a sentence?]

Holli, my only thought--aside from Hil's remarks on some sentence structures--was with the section about the paraplegic and the heartwarming lessons. We here understand the irony and sarcasm, but the people who read it may be the sorts who get teary eyed at such stories. Possibly something less specific like, "Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the essay of the student council president who tells stories of all his generic good deeds." What you have is slightly on the catty side--funny as heck, but not everyone is as advanced as us.

Before it, I hadn’t known you could just make things up like it did, or >how much fun it was to do so.

My take on this sentence: "Before 'Toolbooth' (or just 'it' could work, I haven't checked to see if you've used the actual word Toolbooth right before this sentence or not), I hadn't known you could just make things up in a story, or how much fun it was to do so." It's a good sentence, reflecting the revelation of what true fiction is. The phrase "in a story" is optional.

Lord, I feel pedantic.

Has everybody seen Hugh Gallagher's college essay? My senior year English teacher read this to us to demonstrate parallel structure, and it's still one of the funnier things I've ever read. Especially "I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru."

I think I have a copy of that somewhere. I don't remember writing an essay to get into college. Maybe I didn't apply to anyplace that picky.

Yeah, I think that's been around the internet six thousand times.

Possibly something less specific like, "Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the essay of the student council president who tells stories of all his generic good deeds."

That example sentence makes the speaker sound a little self-congratulatory to me. "But I'm not generic at all! Completely unique and original and shiny. That's me." I dunno.

Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

Edit: That should have ended with a rising inflection, as it's an offering, not a directive. I love the essay, Holli, but I do agree with Hil and Rebecca about avoiding the (appearance of) self-congratulation.

Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

I like this much better.

My favorite essay from the book on college admissions essays I read in highschool:

QUESTION: What is the bravest thing you've ever done?
ANSWER: This.

Supposedly the kid got in, though there was more than one essay associated with the application.

Oh, Hollll-eeeee!

That sentence should read "I'm hopeful you haven't," because "hopefully" modifies you. Or means "you are hopeful". Something. Wrong. So, "I am hopeful you haven't" is better. More.

Cheers.

I didn't use "hopefully"! I used "assuming." If we're talking about the start of the second paragraph, that is-- the bit with the quadriplegics.