Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

Edit: That should have ended with a rising inflection, as it's an offering, not a directive. I love the essay, Holli, but I do agree with Hil and Rebecca about avoiding the (appearance of) self-congratulation.

Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

I like this much better.

My favorite essay from the book on college admissions essays I read in highschool:

QUESTION: What is the bravest thing you've ever done?
ANSWER: This.

Supposedly the kid got in, though there was more than one essay associated with the application.

Oh, Hollll-eeeee!

That sentence should read "I'm hopeful you haven't," because "hopefully" modifies you. Or means "you are hopeful". Something. Wrong. So, "I am hopeful you haven't" is better. More.

Cheers.

I didn't use "hopefully"! I used "assuming." If we're talking about the start of the second paragraph, that is-- the bit with the quadriplegics.

I, personally, adored the part with the quadriplegics because that's pretty much a vivid image of the terrifying college applicant, the super scary student that's going to make it impossible for you to get a spot at this really great school, that you want. And I think the people who read these essays know that, and the fact that Holli created such a vivid mental picture is more powerful than something that means something similar, but is "safe." I think the quadriplegics sentence shows more personality, and I really think that's what they're looking for, not political correctness.

Just my two cents.

Yes, you did use assuming, because you're smart, and with the words. Which apparently I am not today.

Nor the typing, if it takes three times to type 'today' correctly.

I think that the quadriplegic thing would be OK if you make it slightly more over-the-top and include "perfect candidate" things other than the community service. Like, get rid of "all-honors," because it's a bit redundant with "valedictorian." Throw in that the person was also all-state in three sports and one or two other modifiers. Maybe throw in something like "Not that I haven't done my share of community service, but..." Make it clear that what you're (lightly) mocking is the student who does everything, not the community service itself.

Hmm. Maybe change "all-honors valedictorian" to something like "champion pole-vaulting valedictorian slam poet"?

yeah, use that, Holli.