I didn't use "hopefully"! I used "assuming." If we're talking about the start of the second paragraph, that is-- the bit with the quadriplegics.

I, personally, adored the part with the quadriplegics because that's pretty much a vivid image of the terrifying college applicant, the super scary student that's going to make it impossible for you to get a spot at this really great school, that you want. And I think the people who read these essays know that, and the fact that Holli created such a vivid mental picture is more powerful than something that means something similar, but is "safe." I think the quadriplegics sentence shows more personality, and I really think that's what they're looking for, not political correctness.

Just my two cents.

Yes, you did use assuming, because you're smart, and with the words. Which apparently I am not today.

Nor the typing, if it takes three times to type 'today' correctly.

I think that the quadriplegic thing would be OK if you make it slightly more over-the-top and include "perfect candidate" things other than the community service. Like, get rid of "all-honors," because it's a bit redundant with "valedictorian." Throw in that the person was also all-state in three sports and one or two other modifiers. Maybe throw in something like "Not that I haven't done my share of community service, but..." Make it clear that what you're (lightly) mocking is the student who does everything, not the community service itself.

Hmm. Maybe change "all-honors valedictorian" to something like "champion pole-vaulting valedictorian slam poet"?

yeah, use that, Holli.

That's got my vote. Anything else, and you'd just have to call them Buckaroo Banzai and be done with it.

I loved the disabled war orphans.

MOVIE POEM II			Alanna Simpson



tattered habit, out of my throat (it's cheerful)
ribbon of blood regard                        and hooded director
until the bars are shifting (they're removing clothing) in the movie
                                    -- until it's patterns     striping across sand 
pelican wheeling in circles above our heads            this thing is 
still         minstrelsy green and leafing (shoot stalk blade)
mannequins standard pole, sticking ingots,       traverse bloom in the
evening truncheon (and         that is what I have,)
hall, melodic and posing, or eventual laceration;
repetition of body and Richter scale moving
                                    orange spray special
(if it's at this)
            dis believe her

I'm writing for a new poetic persona, a character in my mother's new novel.