Wash: Mal, your dead army buddy's on the bridge! Zoe: He ain't dead. Wash: Oh.

'The Message'


The Great Write Way  

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


Hil R. - Oct 19, 2002 8:45:56 pm PDT #123 of 10001
Sometimes I think I might just move up to Vermont, open a bookstore or a vegan restaurant. Adam Schlesinger, z''l

If you really need to make it shorter, I think you can probably combine the penultimate paragraph with the one before it, and get rid of some stuff. I like both of those paragraphs, but that's the first place I see to take out stuff if it need to be shorter. You could even just go straight from "The movies and television I watch reflect that familiarity with the fantastic" to "it’s a lot more fun to analyze the narrative structure of “Farscape” or “Firefly” than it is to track the love lives of the “Dawson’s Creek” crowd" if you need to get the word count way down.


Alibelle - Oct 19, 2002 8:55:16 pm PDT #124 of 10001
Apart from sports, "my secret favorite thing on earth is ketchup. I will put ketchup on anything. But it has to be Heinz." - my husband, Michael Vartan

Holli, that was wonderful! (And oddly like one of my college essays, so it's probably not surprising that I like it.) Also, what Hil said.

Thanks, Theodosia! Now I really want to read your story, rather than write mine, even though, with the introduction of the evil TEMPtress, I finally have a conflict. [Editor's note: How many commas can I fit in a sentence?]


Connie Neil - Oct 19, 2002 11:14:16 pm PDT #125 of 10001
brillig

Holli, my only thought--aside from Hil's remarks on some sentence structures--was with the section about the paraplegic and the heartwarming lessons. We here understand the irony and sarcasm, but the people who read it may be the sorts who get teary eyed at such stories. Possibly something less specific like, "Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the essay of the student council president who tells stories of all his generic good deeds." What you have is slightly on the catty side--funny as heck, but not everyone is as advanced as us.

Before it, I hadn’t known you could just make things up like it did, or >how much fun it was to do so.

My take on this sentence: "Before 'Toolbooth' (or just 'it' could work, I haven't checked to see if you've used the actual word Toolbooth right before this sentence or not), I hadn't known you could just make things up in a story, or how much fun it was to do so." It's a good sentence, reflecting the revelation of what true fiction is. The phrase "in a story" is optional.

Lord, I feel pedantic.


Hil R. - Oct 19, 2002 11:20:17 pm PDT #126 of 10001
Sometimes I think I might just move up to Vermont, open a bookstore or a vegan restaurant. Adam Schlesinger, z''l

Has everybody seen Hugh Gallagher's college essay? My senior year English teacher read this to us to demonstrate parallel structure, and it's still one of the funnier things I've ever read. Especially "I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru."


Connie Neil - Oct 19, 2002 11:21:59 pm PDT #127 of 10001
brillig

I think I have a copy of that somewhere. I don't remember writing an essay to get into college. Maybe I didn't apply to anyplace that picky.


Rebecca Lizard - Oct 19, 2002 11:24:39 pm PDT #128 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket

Yeah, I think that's been around the internet six thousand times.

Possibly something less specific like, "Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the essay of the student council president who tells stories of all his generic good deeds."

That example sentence makes the speaker sound a little self-congratulatory to me. "But I'm not generic at all! Completely unique and original and shiny. That's me." I dunno.


Beverly - Oct 19, 2002 11:35:04 pm PDT #129 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

Edit: That should have ended with a rising inflection, as it's an offering, not a directive. I love the essay, Holli, but I do agree with Hil and Rebecca about avoiding the (appearance of) self-congratulation.


Rebecca Lizard - Oct 19, 2002 11:38:10 pm PDT #130 of 10001
You sip / say it's your crazy / straw say it's you're crazy / as you bicycle your soul / with beauty in your basket

Hopefully you haven't put this down and turned your attention to the student council president's essay that's simply brimming with good deeds.

I like this much better.


Katie M - Oct 19, 2002 11:47:40 pm PDT #131 of 10001
I was charmed (albeit somewhat perplexed) by the fannish sensibility of many of the music choices -- it's like the director was trying to vid Canada. --loligo on the Olympic Opening Ceremonies

My favorite essay from the book on college admissions essays I read in highschool:

QUESTION: What is the bravest thing you've ever done?
ANSWER: This.

Supposedly the kid got in, though there was more than one essay associated with the application.


Beverly - Oct 20, 2002 3:36:49 pm PDT #132 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

Oh, Hollll-eeeee!

That sentence should read "I'm hopeful you haven't," because "hopefully" modifies you. Or means "you are hopeful". Something. Wrong. So, "I am hopeful you haven't" is better. More.

Cheers.