Anyway, I don't think it's that horrible. I think his motives were that he's totally into you but is afraid of scaring you off with his strong interest.

Yeah, I don't doubt that his motivation was innocent, and I don't think he's creepy!scary!stalker!guy at all. And my problem isn't at all that he Googled me. People Google people. I'm cool with that.

My problem is that he actively engaged in pretense after an enormous number of gut-wrenching, tear-filled conversations during which I explained in great detail how much ex-DH broke my heart and how difficult it is for me to trust people. And he agreed be extra-super-sensitive to things that could appear to be violations of trust.

Kind of like never-ever admitting you'd already found and read someone's journal after they hand it over in a show of trust.

If anyone ever reads my journal (well, not that I keep one) they'd better never admit it. Because they knew up front that it was private. Stuff posted on the web? So very public. There's no way for him to have known beforehand how you felt about it, and once you had told him? I can totally see keeping his mouth shut.

Googling is something I'd totally do, and so is reverse IP lookup -- but then, I can see some people thinking the reverse lookup creepy and obsessive, so there you go -- all sorts of angles here.

And he agreed be extra-super-sensitive to things that could appear to be violations of trust.

Which is, ironically, I think why he lied about it.

Jen, remember, he is as scared as you.

If it's not too complex and technical, how does one do a reverse IP lookup? Or should I take that to the techie thread?

Jen, I'm sorry. I have no real input due to lack of successful relationship experience. I know I've googled every man I've been interested in for the past few years, but I don't know how I'd feel about saying, "Yeah, I knew you were mentioned in the San Juan Tribune because I googled your name for three hours last night."

Which is, ironically, I think why he lied about it.

I think so, too, Hec.

For all your IP detecting needs. Just use the "Do Stuff" button.

I think googling is in the place where everyone google-familiar is likely to do it, but still not at the place where you talk about it easily.

Robin, I don't think he is. He's never been married, he's not immediately post-serious-relationship, and he has said over and over again that he's never had his heart stomped on quite the same way I have. He's not struggling with the reality of having a crappy disease. He's not struggling with having had someone walk out on him because of it.

Jen, I know when I get information about somebody quasi-surreptitiously -- say somebody told me, then said "Oops, forget I said that", I often try to get a legitimate link to the information so I"m off the hook.

Truly, the choice between being Creepy Stalker Googling Guy and Fibbing Guy is a tough one.

Jen, I think you just need to talk to him very directly about it. Just lay out the facts and let him come clean, and then explain how it pinged you in a negative way. This needs some straightforward communication, and he needs to learn some things about being with you.

Also, he will be impressed/scared by your kickass detective work.