Jen, I know when I get information about somebody quasi-surreptitiously -- say somebody told me, then said "Oops, forget I said that", I often try to get a legitimate link to the information so I"m off the hook.

Truly, the choice between being Creepy Stalker Googling Guy and Fibbing Guy is a tough one.

Jen, I think you just need to talk to him very directly about it. Just lay out the facts and let him come clean, and then explain how it pinged you in a negative way. This needs some straightforward communication, and he needs to learn some things about being with you.

Also, he will be impressed/scared by your kickass detective work.

My problem is that he actively engaged in pretense

Maybe not. Maybe he googled you, followed the link to the page but didn't really read it (if you google yourself, is there a lot of stuff? Is it obviously you?), and didn't recognize the URL when you gave it to him.

I don't think he is

He may be scared of losing you. That doesn't have to be dependent on his history. He might like you a lot, plain and simple.

Thanks, ita!

Yeah, I guess it is. I just thought given the ad nauseum Trust Issues conversations we've had, he would find it easier to make that choice.

Seriously, if I never knew about this and a year from now he said, "Hey, remember how you gave me your URL? I found it on Google and had read some stuff before," I wouldn't be upset in the slightest.

It's the fact that he had the perfect opportunity to come clean and make good on his transparency promises, and he didn't, because he thought I would never find out. I can't help but think now that there are other things about which he thinks I'll never find out.

Maybe he googled you, followed the link to the page but didn't really read it (if you google yourself, is there a lot of stuff? Is it obviously you?), and didn't recognize the URL when you gave it to him.

-t, my full name is unusual, so it's obviously me (ironically, he said "the poems on your site are so much you; I can hear your voice in them."). The URL of my site isn't exactly common, either.

I think I'll spend some time calming down and then bring it up in as unaccusatory and defensive way as possible. Thanks for your input, Bitches--I really, really appreciate it.

That's kinda dismissive of him, Jen. I mean, he can have a lot invested in this relationship being a success without having the same background you have. The woman my brother just married had only had one serious relationship and he was divorced with three kids. She never had her heart really broken and he had just recently been dumped. He was a recovering alcoholic with a rocky past and she was a healthy person. I am certain however, from talking with her, that she would have been as devastated as he would have been if things hadn't worked out. For her, it was more fear of losing something she'd never had and for him it was fear that his wounded heart was going to be stomped on again, but they both were equally invested in their own ways.

Which is, ironically, I think why he lied about it.

Yeah, I can't imagine it would be easy to say, "Oh, by the way, in regards to trust issues, I've been looking you up on the Internet." The timing would be way iffy.

and he didn't, because he thought I would never find out.

Jen, this is, I think, where you need to clear things up. You're making an assumption here, and it might be misplaced. He might have only thought, "ack! I don't want her to think I'm creepy stalker guy!" and never knew or considered that you would find out.

That's kinda dismissive of him, Jen.

I wouldn't say he's less scared unless that was what he'd told me himself, honest. I can only judge by what he's said, and he's said over and over that he's never dealt with issues like these before and knows how much harder this is for me than him.

Edit: Good point, Sparky. I hadn't thought of it that way.