Oh our Matilda. You knew your mama better than I ever could, but here's the thing I know, that you only kind of always know.
From the moment Jacqueline suspected you existed, she was so deeply in love with you, that there are no words. And I knew this early, because I figured out she was expecting you, before she told us.
At first, this may make you feel bad, but it should not. You mother was more deeply in love with you than anyone else has ever been in love.
Dear girl, please know, that in your brief-so-far life, your very existence made Jacqueline Zahas Smay happier than she had ever been.
And David? You gave that to JZ.
Thank you for treating our lovely friend the way she deserved.
I will never not be sorry she is gone. I will never not feel like she is still here.
(JZ, we will love you forever.)
Oh God. This is mortal and stupid.
Oh, that poor baby girl...
And poor David. What an incredible amount of multiple stresses you are under. Please, please tell me someone on the ground there has gotten you water, a Kleenex, a snack, some Tylenol...5 minutes to shriek alone in a closet.
And poor David. What an incredible amount of multiple stresses you are under. Please, please tell me someone on the ground there has gotten you water, a Kleenex, a snack, some Tylenol...5 minutes to shriek alone in a closet.
Seriously.
David, we're not close, and you probably know this: but in case repetition helps.
You and Matilda get to feel all the feelings. All the rage and anger and resentment and frustration, and loneliness and isolation and confusion.
You get to yell at the pension fund and the bank tellers and the utility people who somehow don't understand that sometimes people die.
Remember that people have your back: your Buffistas, your family, your friends. But also that it's okay to feel whateverthehellyouarefeeling in the moment.
Grief sucks, but it's better than never having a reason to grieve.
You're still here, and we mourn JZ, but we're here for you. (And Matilda, Emmett, and all the family.)
that's an appropiate time to freak out. Oh, Matilda, poor boo! if you can feel hugs from afar, here is a huge on for you
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Matilda}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{and David and her step-mom, too}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Consuela said everything I was thinking.
I ululated while listening to Welcome to the Black Parade, driving across Lake Pontchartrain, at sunset.
Fist pump of appreciation!
Turns out my MiL storming out in a rage was
the best thing that has happened to me in months.
Because, JZ's bestie Lisa came in and the mood shifted, and the Sacred Circle of Loving Women started drinking and crying and laughing and wearing Jacqueline's hats and...it's what we needed. It's what Matilda needed especially.
Which would not have happened with Sunny here.
I'll share pictures but just on the Buffistas group because my MiL must never see people laughing.
Oh love. I’m glad you have them.
