I COMMed too early!

Aimee in Natter:

"Hi. I'm Aimee. Welcome to The Gap."

"Hi. I'm Orlando Bloom."

"Yes, I know."

"Anyway, I'd like to buy some pants."

"No."

"I'm sorry?"

"No. I can not sell you pants."

"Jeans, khakis, trousers?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't believe that hot guys that I lust after should ever wear pants. Expecially around me. It is against my beliefs that hot guys that I lust after wear anything that covers what God gave you and intended for me to worship."

"Okay, guess I'll have to go to Abercrombie."

"Yeah, they believe as I do. No pants."

"Can I wear a skirt?"

"Yes. As long as you wear this eyeliner."

"You yanks are nuts. Much easier in Britian."

"I know. And to think we left all those years ago."

Polter-Cow in Natter:

I need to find a Chick-Fil-A and go bang on their doors one Sunday: "Dammit! GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE LUNCH!"

Deena: Aidan is watching Elmo. Elmo may be evil, but Aidan's getting the most insane glee out of it. He screams like a girl at her first rock concert every time Elmo starts to sing his song.

In Natter:

Gudanov: Now I know this isn't the case with all Christians, but why is gun ownership a religious issue?

msbelle: because Jesus liked to hunt. duh.

In Natter:

Gudanov: Now I know this isn't the case with all Christians, but why is gun ownership a religious issue?
msbelle: because Jesus liked to hunt. duh.
Polter-Cow: The Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Bear Arms.
Gudanov: Oh. Crap, all these years I thought it was 'Thou Shalt Arm Bears'.
Polter-Cow: There has been an increase in ranger murders in the past twenty years. Also picnic basket theft.
lexine: If you go into the woods today, you're in for a big surprise...
Kathy Astrom: "Hey-hey, Boo-Boo! Let's take out Ranger Smith tonight with this aught-20 I got at the local gun show!" "Sure thing, Yogi!"
Jessica: There's an old New Yorker cartoon that has the founding fathers carrying wall-mounted bear arms while writing the Bill of Rights, and one says "Well at least there's no way this one can be misinterpreted..."

last post is out of order so it makes sense in context

In Bitches:

DavidS: That's how I feel about getting a Library of Congress number - I'm part of the Big Story of American Publishing. It's cool!

Tom Scola: You should change your screen name to ML3534.L685. People could call you "781.66" as a nickname.

Matt, in Lost:

Dear Sawyer,

If you want to have an engaging homoeroticism-laced rivalry with the darkly handsome goody-two-shoes lead of your show over the woman you're both ostensibly interested in, it's best to snidely insult him to his face rather than behind his back.

Best regards,

Lindsey McDonald

Attorney at Law

In Bitches (I'm not sure it makes any sense, but it made me laugh.):

Plei: Rest assured, I'm sticking to my bedrest

Polter-Cow: Good! Otherwise, when the blob asks you why she has three hands, you'd have to point to the computer and say, "Buffistas!" and the blob'll say, "'ffistas?" and you'll say, "Yeah, let's have some pizza!"

Matt the Bruinsfan in Other Media (aka "comics"):

Madelyne Pryor can make my head hurt like few other comic characters. It's as if, when they wrote her backstory, the printer's ink was made from concentrated crap.

Tommyrot: So, um, following the laws WRT abortion is not good enough for conservative Republicans?

Jessica: Well, sure. Obeying state law is just the first step down that slippery slope towards respecting the Bill of Rights, and then where would we be?