Cindy in Buffy 1:

We interupt this blather with more blather from our "Eye Team"...

After a little investigation, our crack reporting staff has discovered that Wrecked was just all misdirection so we wouldn't guess in a million years that there would NOT be a Dawn the Slayerette show. 7 year olds everywhere are crying in their Ovaltine. Everyone else in the fandom is too busy to notice though, as they're all busy sacrificing goats, willy nilly (it is the season for giving thanks, and there is much to be thankful for - suddenly). Goat futures are through the roof (not the goats' actual, personal futures you understand - they're getting Mineared. But Wall Street is rising to its feet again, thanks to goat $hares alone).

Meanwhile, back in Santa Monica...

Marti Noxon sits back, feet on her desk and twiddles her black moustache (courtesey of the make-up department) and laughs the maniacal laugh of... erm... a maniac. She casts her eyes over to the corner of her office, where we see Joss Whedon, David Fury, Doug Petrie, Jane Espenson and Ultimate Drew gagged, tied and bound to office chairs.

MARTI: It's mine. *cackle* All mine! No more getting blamed for Get out, Get Out, GET OUT!.

PETRIE: mmm srrrry u bllmmmmd fr eee anhill!

MARTI: No more taking the fall for Actual!Car Crash. No more being the fall guy for the attempted rape. This little Dawn twit is going down.

ESPENSON: lkkkk mmmm dbllmettttt? nnntvntn?

FURY: glllln?

MARTI: No dammit! Not like in Doublemeat or Intervention or Gone. None of that. I just got off the blower ...

FURY: snicker

MARTI: [clears throat] I just got off of the phone with DeKnight. He's going to use all the oral sex scenes you pervs wrote for Lilah and Wesley. Everybody wins.

JOSS: bttt shllll hv uffffishykhorewa?

MARTI: NOT! Not Buffy-N-Spike 4evah! Spike's going to be evil - because HEY! Vampire. And he's gonna suck the niblet dry, and not in a porny way - because - ewwwwww! All this time they thought they were loving you and Minear. No more Joss. NO MORE. The truth shall out.

JOSS: rwwweushllgnnnklwhrllo?

MARTI: NO! I'm not going to kill Willow. And another thing - no more dead lesbians, nor people of color and we're putting some more Latinos in this show set in SoCal!

She downs another jigger of Wild Turkey and tosses the empty glass at her former colleagues in the corner of the office. It bonks Joss on his enormous, squishy frontal lobe. As she opens the door, she sees Darla and Drusilla waiting outside. She invites them in, hands them napkins, leaves, bolts the door from the outside, dusts her hands off and sighs contentedly.

MARTI: Now, to take care of those morons at UPN who've been writing the promos.

Mummy's home. You're in wicked trouble now.

PMM: It was late. There were loofahs.

Shawn "Surprise cowboy virgin Greek tycoon marriage!"

billytea: My mother likes the Agatha Christie type of murder. Generally she appreciates killers who try not to leave a mess. If they clean up after themselves, so much the better.

Cashmere, I just now noticed my egregious typo in that cat-ass quote. Der. Licking, not liking. Could you or a stompy fix that in post 1040?

actually, the typo is in the original. and I enjoyed it because it worked both ways :)

Ellen S. in Natter:

JZ, I know what you want. Also, as your Buffista, I know what you need. You don't need to lie to Ellen S. Girl, I know you can't be satisfied with just one article, be that article ever so fine. I commence to encourage you in seeking out many other articles. In doing so, I will use only the finest HTML tags. There will also be links. I will not use quick-edit formatting, because a lady as fine and bootilicious as yourself deserves every key-stroke.

dies laughing

Oh my god! They've killed Lizard. You bastards!

[resists attempt to make a bad S7-spoilery joke]

Michele T:

Also? During the previouslys, I was saying, "Previously, on Buffy, the earth solidified around a molten core."

Am-Chau Yarkona in Bitches

That's what the internet is for. Virtual threesomes, with a side order of GVSP.

Rebecca beat me by about 8 hours to the Michele T quote.