I actually already have presents for my youngest neice - just something I saw last summer and thought of her. Like Laura said, I would llike to be a good/fun aunt to them. I guess it's just hard because we made such a big deal about their kids and their ignoring Ellie really hurts. Which reminds me of another thing I didn't mention - us feeling taken advantage of by them. We have felt this way a lot with them, over and over. I don't think it's money as much as they are just caught up in their own personal problems.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I think you all have reminded me that it really is important not to blame kids for their parents' failings. Even if the girls never noticed, I would know that I had been (perhaps) petty and I'd rather not be that way.

I don't have the return gift problem with my sister but she is TERRIBLE at calling or writing to say thank you to anyone for presents sent to her or her two children.

At least once a year the Aunts will call me to ask if she got whatever they sent her and then I have to call my sister to tell her to be sure to call the Aunts and thank them.

If I were you, Stephanie, I would take to at least calling them after a reasonable time has passed just to make sure they got whatever was sent and ask if the girls like the gifts. Maybe they'll get the real point of the call.

Why do you give gifts?

I don't know if this was meant for me but I send my neices gifts because I love them. And because it's the way I was raised - you send presents to nieces and nephews. I also write thank-yous because it's the way I was raised - it's the right thing to do when someone has taken the time/money/thought to send you a present. eta: in case I wans't clear about this, I am much harder on myself about thank-yous than I am on other people sending them to me. I don't always expect a note for every gift. However, seven years of baby, birthday, and Christmas gifts and no note ever hurts my feelings.

The real reason I am bothered by this is because they didn't remember Ellie's birthday. I figured after seven years of me sending presents, they would remember her. She's their only niece as well. But as mentioned by others, I really should separate my hurt feelings about Ellie's birthday from my nieces - they aren't the ones that ignored it.

Ok, I have to defend those of us who just don't really do thank you notes, particularly actually mailed note things. I'm more likely to send an email or make a phone call.

Howver, it does sound like there's more than that going on here.

Itwas directed at you Stephanie - not in snide tone, just as the first question to ask when you get in that situation.

It may be that there is a time when you will have to reevaluate the answer.

I have to ask the question often. for some people , it feels like duty and sometimes they are the ones that appreciate it most.

not news, but people are strange.

With respect to those who don't choose to write them, thank you notes are good manners, period. I firmly believe this, and I say this having a sadly spotty record at sending them. I make sure to send them to folks I don't talk to a lot but am not as good with people I can email. Really, though, lazy as I am, I know iit's basic courtesy and I aim to be better at it.

[link]

I know it's basic courtesy and I aim to be better at it.

Me too! Plus there is just some very cool stationery out there. I have the same problem with my brother's girls not sending thank you cards (and parents not calling to say presents have arrived). And I know its not that they don't appreciate the presents (evidently my older niece carried around the last thing I sent her, a Little Lulu collection, for weeks!). Actually I'm thinking of getting my older niece (she's 8 1/2 now) cool stationery as part of her xmas present. Maybe that will be a little incentive to write!

I know it's basic courtesy and I aim to be better at it.

Me too! And Robin, thanks for linking to that website. I plan to use its advice when I inevitably get stuck for what to say.

Hangs head in shame. I have not been good about sending cards myself or making the boys do it. I call and/or email, but not so good about the written note. (thks for the linky)

Also Stephanie, no need to feel petty. It isn't petty to feel hurt. It's natural.

I'm very bad at thank you cards. I'm trying to raise Lillian to send them, but honestly, they're utterly foreign to how I was raised. It doesn't come naturally to me to send them *at all*, and I bristle a bit at the notion that this makes me less of a civilized person.