Gris:

I am with the people that say take away the goal - What I have found is that my body changes day to day on what feels good and what doesn't. And Everything is a factor. My body seems much more stable in my 40's But it doesn't matter, sex is pleasurable with or without an orgasm. Here is something to try when things seem close - move away to a more indirect method of stimulation - whole hand over the area, for example- and after a bit go back. If nothing else, doing this will help her learn what the signs are for her when too much is too much. or more is better. and - I don't know if I need to say this - but make sure some of the times you see her are low physical contact. Give her some room or space. But then again, that may have been my issue.

I thinking , myabe what cj needs is more activity. maybe running to get in shape for baseball season . He has to fill his time someway without his stuff. CJ seemed pretty normal to me, actually clamer than lots of kids I see in the library on a daily basis. and I think most of them would be good kids if they just ran around the library three times before they came in to sit for a bunch more hours at the library. Is he interested in doing better at baseball? Also, it might be time for him to choose his punishment This is 2 incident s in a short period of time, and he doesn't like doing it. Possibly by choseing the punishment ( and or reward if goes x with out it ) he can start seeing that he is solely responsible for his actions. You know him better.

If she is taking Paxil or any anti-depressants, those can interfere with/delay/eliminate orgasm.

What JZ said. Also, according to some things I read a few years ago a large percentage of women can't have orgasms. There was something in there about not recognizing the build-up for what it is and not working with it also.

Brusque! I've gotten brusque before. Also "intimidating."

So, I would think that "intimidating" would be a positive eval, but it probably wasn't, I'm guessing. Maybe "the employee refuses to be a sheep like all the other sheep." would be a more accurate assessment.

Gris, I'm with people on the medication angle. Also, on what beth said, about making some times that you're together low on contact.

Also, and this might be difficult for you, but maybe if she's typically into it for 15 minutes, quit at ten--or while she's still into it. Depending on her sensitivity to the subject and sense of humor, you might even joke: No more snogging for you. Always leave 'em wanting more--you know?

Do you think she's having any guilt? Does she feel like she's going against her principles or religious restrictions in some ways? That might be contributing, too. And there mightn't be a way around that, other than that big M way you're likely not ready for, yet.

I think a lot of young women cause themselves stress by being so goal-oriented about orgasms.

(I'm giving up on whitefonting any of this. It's Bitches, after all, and I'm lazy.)

I agree, and, honestly, the not orgasming doesn't bother me at all. I went through an entire 7-month, fully sexually satisfying relationship with another young lady who had orgasm issues (in her case, I believe she'll have lots and lots of them later in life, she was just 20). The concern in this case is much more that she is frustrated, regularly, because she doesn't enjoy sexual activity nearly as much as she wants or believes she could. Not because she wants an orgasm - like shrimp and bacon, girl don't know what she's missing - but because of the difficulty she has in really enjoying it to any extent.

I do think talking to her, trying to remove any internal pressure she might have for orgasm, is a really good idea. I'll work on that.

Gris, I'm with people on the medication angle. Also, on what beth said, about making some times that you're together low on contact.

Well, this particular issue has apparently been a constant with her with and without most of the medications she uses, though her sexual experience isn't really great enough for her (or me) to be sure there's no effect. I will encourage her to bring it up with her doctor. Also, as to the low on contact thing - honestly, my own sex drive is not the hugest in the world, so at least 50% of the times we hang out (which is pretty much every day, because, um, we're gross) the physical contact is no more than affectionate kisses and cuddling to watch TV.

Quitting while she's still into it is an interesting idea. I'll give it a try.

As to the guilt thing: no idea. She doesn't seem to harbor any feelings of wrongness about it - I gather that fairly active sex lives are pretty much the norm with modern orthodox girls these days, just based on her friends that I've met. She may have issues with me particularly, of course, but until she has a long-term, steady relationship with a nice Jewish boy for us to compare it to, I can't make any assessments in that direction.

Gris, she is lucky to have you. I would give anything for such a caring partner.

Gris, I'd share some of the Buffista posts here (if you don't think that would flip her out). I really think she's probably similar to JZ and her experience.

I do think talking to her, trying to remove any internal pressure she might have for orgasm, is a really good idea.

this is an excellent idea. I enjoyed sex much more once I learned to let go of the expectation. I still didn't have orgasms, but I enjoyed sex more. and then, one day . . .

One caution, Gris. We know that you're trying to be there for her, but back in the day, I still felt pressure even when my partner was doing handstands and swinging from trees to make it happen for me. I felt like I was disappointing him because he wanted so badly for me to have this. It's like when your best friend tells you about the "funniest movie in the world", and you finally watch it with them, and it's not that funny, but you feel obligated to laugh a little because they love it so much.

Gris, I'm just chiming in here with everyone else to say you rock. The fact that you're concerned and caring and wanting to make sex a good experience for her says so much. Some of it is always going to be up to her, because learning her own body is a personal thing, but letting her know that you're patient and you're willing to help is huge. Really.

So sorry about CJ, MG. Wish I had advice. My fourteen-year-old still has impulse control issues, although they don't involve hitting (thank god, because at this point that probably warrant a call to the police since he's nearly six feet tall).

~Ma to all who need it. Especially Anne's poor tummy.