P-C, I was raised by an over-controlling, micro-managing mother. She was forceful, opinionated, with an unpleasant personality, and she resented the fact that I had an interior life, as apparently the concept was unknown to her.

Similar to mine, except that mine was a forceful chilly iceberg. I actively dislike my mother, most of the time.

However I would not now, nor would I have then, have boasted about ruining her birthday, or even considered enjoying doing that, not to her, not to anyone.

P-C, I'm quoting you:

I broke the news on Christmas, my mom's birthday. I figured my mom would be in a good mood, and I wanted to ruin it, in the spirit of giving.

That's unkind, it's unpleasant, it's childish, and it's grotesquely self-serving. My emphasis at this moment - I have to go out and it's probably a damned good thing, because otherwise I would say a few things that are probably neither b.org-allowable nor personally forgiveable - is on number three.

And I'm outta here.

It seems to me you need to start parenting yourself a little, and allowing your parents to do whatever it is they do without really affecting you, as much as you can. Please believe I'm only speaking up because your last entry is ringing all sorts of associative chimes for me, and if my experience can provide any relief in your dealings with your parents, I hope you'll take it for what it's worth.

Thanks, Beverly.

However I would not now, nor would I have then, have boasted about ruining her birthday, or even considered enjoying doing that, not to her, not to anyone.

Oh, God, I wasn't boasting. I'm not proud of it, by any means. My line about wanting to ruin her birthday was meant in all bitterness as to my bad decision and its consequences.

Oh, God, I wasn't boasting. I'm not proud of it, by any means. My line about wanting to ruin her birthday was meant in all bitterness as to my bad decision and its consequences.

The first joy of writing. Honesty hurts.

The thing is, you get points for honesty only if you act on it. "I did a selfish thing" may well be followed by "I have a habit of doing selfish things". If you stop at the self-knowledge, then you're simply justifying the habit.

"I'm sorry I broke in on your date; I'm afraid I'm careless about other people's relationships" isn't charming. "I'm so sorry I broke in on your date; I should have known how much he was enjoying your company. I won't do it again." is.

If you stop at the self-knowledge, then you're simply justifying the habit.

It's better than denying that it happens.

It's better than denying that it happens.

Not for his mother.

No, it isn't, not in my book.

I have dealt with too many people who think that an explanation is an excuse. "Oh, I'm so silly about time, but that's just the way I am!"

No. That's the way you've chosen to be. At some point, you realized you were lousy at keeping appointments. And then, the crucial next step, you decided that was okay, that you didn't plan to change it.

There are too many people going around proudly proclaiming their sins, substituting proclamation for restitution. I'm glad you know you're an alcoholic. Now do something about it. I'm glad you've realized you're unreliable. So stop making promises.

I dunno. I find self-knowledge without subsequent behavior modification can get a bit tiresome. Especially in a loved one. Then again, the things that my loved ones put up with from me!

Well, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. But I am probably at my core a selfish person. I don't like it any more than you do. Yeah, I'd like to be a better person. Changing who I am is a difficult process. I'm not sure how to do it, how, as Beverly said, to parent myself. And I'm not making excuses. Well, maybe I am. I give up. I know I fucked up, and I'll definitely not break news like this on special days again.

I'm off for now. I need to go reset my emotions. beathen will be here soon, and then I have to make spaghetti.