The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street.

Buffy ,'First Date'


Natter 77: I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to every day.

Off-topic discussion. Wanna talk about corsets, duct tape, butt kicking, or physics? This is the place. Detailed discussion of any current-season TV must be whitefonted.


NoiseDesign - Feb 23, 2024 8:07:55 am PST #28841 of 29750
Our wings are not tired

I feel for everyone dealing with aging parents and especially with dementia. The last 8 years my mom was alive she slipped deeper and deeper into it and I so clearly remember how hard that was to experience. I look back now and realize how unprepared I was to lose my parents as young as I was.


Steph L. - Feb 23, 2024 8:19:49 am PST #28842 of 29750
Apparently if you're enough of a power nerd, there is nothing that cannot be flowcharted.

I look back now and realize how unprepared I was to lose my parents as young as I was.

My brother and I were talking about this last night. For us, my dad started having heart attacks in the early 90s (which was my junior year of college and my brother's sophomore year of high school). We both came to terms with the assumption that Dad would have a heart attack that killed him in probably his 60s, or very early 70s if he got extremely lucky. Instead, he's 82 and his heart just keeps on going. Obviously we didn't want him to die in his 60s, but statistically it seemed likely. Neither of us were prepared for these massive mental issues, because we just didn't think he'd live long enough to get here.

(The flip side is that if we inherited his heart disease, it seems like we're very likely to live to a ripe old age despite Velveeta hearts. I'm already several years past the age when Dad had his first heart attack, which obviously isn't a guarantee of anything, but it does make me feel somewhat like I may be in the clear. [When I turned 50 I texted my brother "I made it to 50 without a heart attack! Suck it, Lang DNA!" and my brother — who was 45 at the time — replied "Way to put the pressure on me."])


meara - Feb 23, 2024 9:09:46 am PST #28843 of 29750

When I turned 50 I texted my brother "I made it to 50 without a heart attack! Suck it, Lang DNA!" and my brother — who was 45 at the time — replied "Way to put the pressure on me."

Hah this sounds like my siblings.

We’ve been expecting my dad to pass from one thing or another for the past 20-some years (he started doing the whole “well I might not be around next Christmas…”) and so it was very startling when my mom passed last year and he’s still ticking. But I am glad that while he’s got plenty of health issues, his mind is still with it.


askye - Feb 23, 2024 9:28:29 am PST #28844 of 29750
Thrive to spite them

My mom and 2 of her siblings lied to my grandma about stuff to make her life easier. Or used phrasing so they wouldn't have to. When she was assisted living ,after her house had been sold (my aunt had power of attorney) she would ask about her house and the reply was "it's where it's always been " or if she asked about relatives who were dead " they are still doing good/still in (where ever)". Which wasn't too much of a lie.

Getting grandma not to drive was the hardest thing. It took her losing her wallet to finally stop because he's didn't have a license.

I still have a cold of some type. I slept most of Tuesday when I came home from work , Wed and yesterday I didn't sleep so much lay around tiredly. I'm back to work today and have tomorrow off. No fever. Just tired, stuffy nose, cotton head feeling . Plus my period started so lots of ick.


dcp - Feb 23, 2024 10:30:16 am PST #28845 of 29750
"I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam," -- Popeye

Getting grandma not to drive was the hardest thing.

I once had a distant relative who wouldn't stop driving, so one of my cousins took the rotor arm from the distributor in her car.

She was alert enough to call her daughter to say, "Would you drive me to the store? My car wouldn't start," but not alert enough to remember to try to have it fixed. Each time she tried to start the car, it was a fresh surprise that it wouldn't start.


JenP - Feb 23, 2024 11:17:51 am PST #28846 of 29750

One of the saddest things I remember as a kid visiting my Grandma Prior in the home she was in was each time, at some point, she'd sort of do a tally of who was there and remind herself which grandkids we were, who my mom was, and then she'd get to the part about my dad where she'd say, "And Dave. Dave is dead, right?" and then sort of contemplate how wrong that was, you could see in her momentary silence.

Makes me tear up thinking about it. Perfectly happy to see her grandkids and then remembering about her youngest son being gone again. She was, by all accounts, quite an amazing woman; I wish I'd known her when she was younger, but she had her kids late, and my parents had me when they were forty, so she was already well into her last years and suffering from dementia when I became conscious of what a grandma even was.


Matt the Bruins fan - Feb 23, 2024 11:17:54 am PST #28847 of 29750
"You should never say bad things about the dead, only good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.” —Bette Davis

My closest cousin and I have different approaches over something like this. She wants to do everything she can to make things as easy as possible for my mother, whereas I encourage Mom doing her own shopping, household chores (as much as she's able), activities with the church, and so on. Being active and getting mental stimulation is the key to keeping that kind of function as long as possible, and I don't want her to end up like a great aunt of mine who spent her last 20 years bedridden.


NoiseDesign - Feb 23, 2024 11:24:49 am PST #28848 of 29750
Our wings are not tired

JenP I had similar experience regarding grandparents. By the time I was 5 three of the four had already died, so I didn't really know them. I pretty much only know them from pictures.


Dana - Feb 23, 2024 11:32:41 am PST #28849 of 29750
"I'm useless alone." // "We're all useless alone. It's a good thing you're not alone."

Well, the inevitable finally happened. I was bitching about clients and thought I was on mute. I was not on mute. Fortunately it wasn't anything too terrible, and I halfway covered my ass. It's a stupid habit, though, and I should have known better.

I'm a little frazzled because this weekend an uncle by marriage died (cancer, expected, no sympathy required), and we started making plans to attend the funeral, and then on Monday the funeral was abruptly moved to this coming Monday, so I had to deal with those plans. And that also meant figuring out how the new overlord handled time (I am getting bereavement leave to attend the funeral, which is nice), and we're changing computers and email addresses and juggling software licenses and I'm still having to do some stuff on my old computer.

My Fridays are normally nice and calm.


Jesse - Feb 23, 2024 1:54:35 pm PST #28850 of 29750
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be.

Back on lying to people with dementia -- it is definitely best practice. Both what our Alzheimer's Association called "theraputic fiblets" and also the improv-style "Yes, and" make things feel better for both you and the person with the dementia.

Hang in there, everyone.