Happy Birthday, erika!

Happy Couple of Days Belated Birthday, Nora!

I'm basically the Beckmeyer family wedding officiant now.

I love that, Steph.

We adopted a sweet pup yesterday (she's 11, but small, so I keep calling her a puppy), Birdie, and I had a dentist appointment and attended a med appt. with DH already today. What the what? Too much adulting for one morning!

Husband and I got flu and covid shots. He passed out afterwards (which he's done with shots before, though not as an adult), so that was a fun few minutes. Paramedics came and checked his vitals, and he's fine. Conveniently, there was also a doctor there getting his shots, so we had him if needed.

Another rough day at therapy trying to change the mindset about how people perceive me which I’ve had for at least 40 of my 46 years. I still have no idea how to do that no matter how many times it’s explained to me.

Yikes, Dana. I’m glad he’s okay.

Ooof, sj, that’s a big task indeed.

Monday is going okay except that I, as always, am not getting through my work as fast as I’m supposed to. I think it’s perfectionism slowing me down, but I try and try and I just can’t seem to hit the timing.

Yikes, Dana. I’m glad he’s okay.

What sj said!!

I picked up a bug at the RenFaire this weekend (not Covid!) and so am operating around 50% capacity, which seems about right for a cold rainy Monday. At some point today I will accept delivery and installation of a new washing machine, which I sincerely hope will not be a complete piece of garbage like the one it's replacing. (New Machine is a Maytag, which always makes me think of ita by the transitive properties of Colin, and which I think is probably good luck.)

We adopted a sweet pup yesterday (she's 11, but small, so I keep calling her a puppy)

PUPPY!

Thanks for the wishes...I've had a little cake. Good for you on the puppy, Jen.

Happy Birthday, erika!!!

Oof, glad husband is OK, Dana.

sj, that's not easy work. Good on you for persisting.

smonster... well, same message as to sj, really.

Maytag, which always makes me think of ita by the transitive properties of Colin, and which I think is probably good luck

Yes.

Happy birthday, erika!

Got a surprise follow-up call from Nurse Eithne (our very Irish hospice nurse) this morning.

I was reminded that they offer grief counseling as part of their hospice service, and, indeed, my children and EM have urged me to see a therapist.

Which I will do at some point, though I'm unsure what they think I'm going to get out of it.

I'm not stuck or having difficulty processing it like my mother-in-law.

I'm not depressed like my daughter.

I'm sad. I'm grieving. But I'm also functional, and not indulging in self destructive behavior.

I've been through grief before. I've had a marriage end before. I know this emotional terrain, and I know what sustains me and helps me move forward.

Finding the vessel for Jacqueline's ashes and thinking about setting up her writing desk as a place for her feels loving and right.

I'm planning the funeral. I'm thinking about the memorial in the spring. I feel like I'm keeping her close in a healthy (not morbid) way but also letting her go.

I know what to do when I need to sit with it and cry and let it out. I have friends to talk to and I have reached out to them.

One thing I don't think they understand is that I've been processing this since her diagnosis. At every step her odds got worse, and I knew it was coming, though I focused on the chemotherapy and giving her hope.

But I spent many nights in January lying in bed crying, with tears running down my face and into my ears. Sobbing while sitting in front of my computer and writing about her. My heart breaking as I watched her body get whittled away by the cancer and the treatment.

I just felt so tender towards her at every physical indignity, washing her in the shower towards the end when she was so gaunt and wasted.

I love her and I loved tending to her.

I've had some times where I lost my shit, but nothing irreparable.

I've been grieving since December 20th of last year.

Don't mistake me - I understand the value of therapy. I just don't know what else they think I'm supposed to be doing. Or processing. Or seeing differently.