It doesn't have to be about doing something else or differently. Just having someone to talk to /check in with who is outside of it and not in there with you just seems like a good idea.

I mean, not that I've done it and I really should have. So.

What -t said. I didn't go, and probably should have. Not necessarily right away because being so busy with details and peopling keeps it at bay. But I think after the initial time period it might have been helpful to maybe do a group thing or something. The first year was generally awful. I did talk to Bonny decades after being widowed and that helped.

To some extent, it takes what it takes, I can appreciate that. Maybe people just think you've been alone with this for kind of a long time? Thank you, bunky, it's been a pleasant accident-a-versary so far, though maybe I thought me at fifty would be different.When I didn't think the Russians would kill us way before this, of course.

As an extra note, I definitely would have benefitted from therapy after my mom died. I spent three or more years struggling with that. That took a long time to process and understand and I didn't really regain my balance until I moved to SF (and started dating Marti the Medical Student).

And I definitely could have used therapy when my marriage ended. So much anger and betrayal, and it really damaged my ability to trust. Worse, it completely stopped me from imagining a future for myself, so I spent three years in a crisis state clinging by my fingernails.

That's not how I feel now.

It's not like "I got this."

It's just that I'm 62 and I've lost people before by now. I understand the Just World Fallacy. I'm highly aware that we're all mortal and have a brief span of time on earth.

I know that Jacqueline and I were lucky. We made our own good fortune.

You’re carrying a lot right now and have been for a while. Maybe they’re worried it will catch up to you later when it’s quiet and there aren’t as many immediate things that need to be done. Of course you know yourself best and should do what you think is right.

You mean, we're *not* supposed to be hanging by our fingernails? (kidding. Kind of.) But I don't think therapy would help me smash capitalism, either, and I really think that's how that stops, if you're me. I've had a lot of counseling...it's good, if I can stop my inner apple-polisher from coming out and trying to win over the therapist. Sometimes getting through the disability stuff feels a lot like grieving too. Survivor's guilt and stuff(Which I did not learn in therapy, but from Denis Fucking Leary's TV show. #TheMoreYouKnowAsshole) I think about getting back in, but I'm not sure if I want healing or a one-woman show at this point. Also,how much better can this be? Like, I'd rather have the money for the sessions.

Yup, erika. The disability thing is always right there in the background of every issue for me, and it’s gotten worse since becoming a mom. I worry constantly about people looking at me as a not good enough mom.

I'm glad you are not feeling desperate and hanging on by your fingernails, Hec.

BTW, I thought about having nachos for lunch today, better late than never, but the place I happened to look at had them for $27 and that was just too rich for my blood at the moment. I bet they are good, though.

Could they really be $27-worth good?

Maybe there is a whole lot of them and I could eat nachos for days?