Oof, glad husband is OK, Dana.

sj, that's not easy work. Good on you for persisting.

smonster... well, same message as to sj, really.

Maytag, which always makes me think of ita by the transitive properties of Colin, and which I think is probably good luck

Yes.

Happy birthday, erika!

Got a surprise follow-up call from Nurse Eithne (our very Irish hospice nurse) this morning.

I was reminded that they offer grief counseling as part of their hospice service, and, indeed, my children and EM have urged me to see a therapist.

Which I will do at some point, though I'm unsure what they think I'm going to get out of it.

I'm not stuck or having difficulty processing it like my mother-in-law.

I'm not depressed like my daughter.

I'm sad. I'm grieving. But I'm also functional, and not indulging in self destructive behavior.

I've been through grief before. I've had a marriage end before. I know this emotional terrain, and I know what sustains me and helps me move forward.

Finding the vessel for Jacqueline's ashes and thinking about setting up her writing desk as a place for her feels loving and right.

I'm planning the funeral. I'm thinking about the memorial in the spring. I feel like I'm keeping her close in a healthy (not morbid) way but also letting her go.

I know what to do when I need to sit with it and cry and let it out. I have friends to talk to and I have reached out to them.

One thing I don't think they understand is that I've been processing this since her diagnosis. At every step her odds got worse, and I knew it was coming, though I focused on the chemotherapy and giving her hope.

But I spent many nights in January lying in bed crying, with tears running down my face and into my ears. Sobbing while sitting in front of my computer and writing about her. My heart breaking as I watched her body get whittled away by the cancer and the treatment.

I just felt so tender towards her at every physical indignity, washing her in the shower towards the end when she was so gaunt and wasted.

I love her and I loved tending to her.

I've had some times where I lost my shit, but nothing irreparable.

I've been grieving since December 20th of last year.

Don't mistake me - I understand the value of therapy. I just don't know what else they think I'm supposed to be doing. Or processing. Or seeing differently.

It doesn't have to be about doing something else or differently. Just having someone to talk to /check in with who is outside of it and not in there with you just seems like a good idea.

I mean, not that I've done it and I really should have. So.

What -t said. I didn't go, and probably should have. Not necessarily right away because being so busy with details and peopling keeps it at bay. But I think after the initial time period it might have been helpful to maybe do a group thing or something. The first year was generally awful. I did talk to Bonny decades after being widowed and that helped.

To some extent, it takes what it takes, I can appreciate that. Maybe people just think you've been alone with this for kind of a long time? Thank you, bunky, it's been a pleasant accident-a-versary so far, though maybe I thought me at fifty would be different.When I didn't think the Russians would kill us way before this, of course.

As an extra note, I definitely would have benefitted from therapy after my mom died. I spent three or more years struggling with that. That took a long time to process and understand and I didn't really regain my balance until I moved to SF (and started dating Marti the Medical Student).

And I definitely could have used therapy when my marriage ended. So much anger and betrayal, and it really damaged my ability to trust. Worse, it completely stopped me from imagining a future for myself, so I spent three years in a crisis state clinging by my fingernails.

That's not how I feel now.

It's not like "I got this."

It's just that I'm 62 and I've lost people before by now. I understand the Just World Fallacy. I'm highly aware that we're all mortal and have a brief span of time on earth.

I know that Jacqueline and I were lucky. We made our own good fortune.

You’re carrying a lot right now and have been for a while. Maybe they’re worried it will catch up to you later when it’s quiet and there aren’t as many immediate things that need to be done. Of course you know yourself best and should do what you think is right.

You mean, we're *not* supposed to be hanging by our fingernails? (kidding. Kind of.) But I don't think therapy would help me smash capitalism, either, and I really think that's how that stops, if you're me. I've had a lot of counseling...it's good, if I can stop my inner apple-polisher from coming out and trying to win over the therapist. Sometimes getting through the disability stuff feels a lot like grieving too. Survivor's guilt and stuff(Which I did not learn in therapy, but from Denis Fucking Leary's TV show. #TheMoreYouKnowAsshole) I think about getting back in, but I'm not sure if I want healing or a one-woman show at this point. Also,how much better can this be? Like, I'd rather have the money for the sessions.

Yup, erika. The disability thing is always right there in the background of every issue for me, and it’s gotten worse since becoming a mom. I worry constantly about people looking at me as a not good enough mom.

I'm glad you are not feeling desperate and hanging on by your fingernails, Hec.

BTW, I thought about having nachos for lunch today, better late than never, but the place I happened to look at had them for $27 and that was just too rich for my blood at the moment. I bet they are good, though.