Gud I want to add this too....I think there might be more than just depression going on. You may be dealing with Autistic Burnout and that is a very real thing. It can happen from a lot of things and it can add to a lot of anxiety and sensory issues and make everything else hell.
Roughly 20 years ago I took a bunch of pills. I changed my mind, and reached out and ended up in the hospital which was both good and bad. Bad because..wrong diagnosis but Good because it got me help to get through that low point.
It wasn't easy and I will be honest and say there were times when I struggled a lot.
And then E was born and I had this beautiful nephew. And this E's mom killed herself. And I swore, no matter how bad , no matter how much I would never EVER put E through that again. Even though until recently he didn't know the truth about how she died.
Five-- Six years ago? things got bad. I was in denial about how bad they were. I got the closest to self harm that I had in a long time. I had all kinds of really bad thoughts and I felt.. it was the hardest thing I did. But I realized when I didn't want to leave my bedroom because there were too many temptations for self harm that I had to do something.
And even in the ER when I was crying and sitting on the floor because I couldn't even bring myself to sit on the chair because somehow that felt wrong and I just wanted to go home and I thought they were going to.. I don't know what. I was surprised when they admitted me to the hospital. But I needed it 100%
I couldn't work. I couldn't function and I was in denial for so long how bad it was. When I came to North Carolina I was just.. ..in some ways I was more consumed by all my PTSD and depression and anxiety and autistic burnout. My therapist and I had the conversations of -- do I need to apply for disability because I didn't think I could go to work.
Missed out on spending so much time with E because everything was too much. I had to spend a lot of time in bed, in my room, in the dark and it sucked. I was doing therapy like it was my full time job adn to be honest it was my full time job for awhile there.
It was hard and nothing magically went away. I have skills and I have medication and I have resources but it's always there the depression and anxiety PTSD and all of that but it is under control.
But every bit of pain I went through, every moment I had to deal with all of it was worth fighting through. There were days when it felt like I was doing the emotional equivalent of trying to claw my way barehanded up a muddy hill in a pouring rainstorm , to make an inch and then slide down a foot. And it sucked and it was exhausting but Every single moment of that has been worth it.
I don't regret my choice to get help before it was too late 2 decades ago. I don't regret one second of all the slogging I had to do to get to this point.
I don't want to be all "it gets better" but I will say it can be better but it also takes a shit ton of work and it can feel like the worst thing but it's better than being dead.
askye, thank you for putting yourself out there like that. <3
What Cindy said.
Meanwhile, I'm bummed because we just learned for sure that my husband's brother and his wife are anti-vaxxers. I'm prepared to push back on celebrating stuff with him next year, given the situation, but the idea that he'd even consider endangering his parents like that is infuriating.
So, the reason for all of this is way too complicated to get into, but in the past 48 hours, my mom and my aunt (her sister) — both in their 70s — have gone from a regular sibling relationship to wholehearted "YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!!!1!" on both sides. And I'm just sitting here like the GIF of Michael Jackson eating popcorn in the Thriller video.
My brother's comment was "I am so fucking glad we're staying in Colorado for Christmas."
Cindy and Dana thanks. After I posted it I had a reaction of -oh crap what If I over shared and made someone uncomfortable but then I thought "well fuck that . This happened to me and I'm not ashamed of it and I hope it helps."
Teppy I hope you don't get drug into the drama. I'm kind of over hearing about mom bitch about her sister and their relationship.
It’s good if you to share your story, askye.
so we had a major incident at work yesterday. Before we were open one of my coworkers, K, was walking to the employee entrance and saw a police car driving around the parking lot but didn't think much of it. She wasn't really paying attention, punched in her door code and then realized there was a stranger man right behind her, he had a hoodie with his hood up and a backpack. She tried to say good morning, thinking maybe he was with the cleaning crew but he pushed in front of her and she was feeling really uncomfortable.
She went to knock on Asset protection but they weren't there yet. So she found someone with a scanner, ahd them radio for managers. Who had to come up and figure out what was going on. She and another co worker went to check out side adn see if the cop was still there and there were like EIGHT cop cars.
She said about 12 cops went into the building including a k9 cop with the dog.
None of the managers called a code orange (I think AP is goign to change procedures for what happened) and the police ended up arresting the guy at gun point. He was wanted for car robbery and I guess maybe more with that kind of response.
I haven't looked at the news for more info.
And K kept working yesterday. I saw her and she was shaken but she said one of our co workers J (who I think can be kind of a bitch) said she shouldn't have let the guy in and gave her a hard time. Yesterday I saw the AP guy and he was talking to a team manager who asked him what happened and he didn't know the full story so I filled in what I knew. AP guy said K did the right thing.
So today I found K and let her know and she said that this morning it took her about 15 mins to feel ok getting out of her car in the parking lot. And she said J was still saying that she shouldn't have let the guy in. I told her if J said anything like that again to tell her "If you have an issue with how I handled the situation you need to talk to AP Manager or Store Manager" and K said well J wasn't saying that to her but telling people what happened when K could hear it. I told her- in that case you interrupt and tell J that that same line. And then repeat it. K had said he could have had a gun but even if he didn't there is a lot of stuff he could have done. He could have had a knife or there are concrete stairs near by he could have pushed her down the stairwell or whatever.
I also told her to talk to our new HR lead , who I just met and seemed really nice, about what J said and how she was reacting so that they would know and not to wait until she heard J talking again.
Well after an hour or so K comes by and told me thanks for reassuring her but she was feeling so bad because someone else had come up to her and said "oh you're the one who let the creep in" and I told her to go talk to HR right then. So she did.
She found me and said she had a long talk and HR Lead told her to go home for the day and that there would be conversations with several people about the incident and what they were saying.
K did tell me who made the comment about the creep. I told K that if I heard anyone talking bad about how she handled it I would tell them to go to take it HR or AP and also give them a piece of my mind.
Because fuck that shit. I have no fucks to give in this situation. I don't care if I get into verbal altercation with a coworker over them bad mouthing K over this.
Good for you sticking up for your coworker!! And yeah, no way she is paid enough to bodily stop creepy criminal from entering the store!!
What Cindy said.
Very much this. Thank you, askye. That was brave and you are very strong.
Gud, my heart breaks reading your post. The world is better with you in it. From everything you've said, I don't think your marriage is heathly. For anyone. But that is a choice you will have make. We can only offer perspectives and support.
Because fuck that shit. I have no fucks to give in this situation.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Retail is not law enforcement. But you are being appropriately supportive of K which is good and right.
