Liese, I'm glad you finally felt okay reaching out here -- I could tell you were processing and working out a lot, but wasn't sure where/how to ask (I suck at that, yo!), but my heart is with you and I'm cheerleading like hell for your new life.

Also, we gotta make the east coast f2f thing happen one of these times.

Maria, in your case, I'm seeing a rough stretch of time unfold now. And I wish you so much strength wherever and however you end up.

In closing, love you peoples.

(I mean, she's no Murderbiscuit, but.)

Murderbiscuit is definitely not snuggly, though. At all. He's totally hyper-caffeinated or in a coma. He will occasionally let us pet him up to 6 times before attacking our hands.

I'm glad your brother's therapist can do the remote thing, Tep.

It's weird, because my brother remembers a whole different set of stuff than I do, and that freaks me out. I know that our age difference means I was focused on school and nerding out when he was blowing shit up in the driveway, so my memories are different, but there's still whole blocks I just don't have. And then there are different blocks he doesn't have. My therapist has said (and my brother, the MS student in psychology, confirms) that people with trauma/PTSD* just have whole chunks of their memory missing. I worried for a long time about the missing parts of my memory, but now at least I know why they're missing.

*A friend messaged me and asked "Did your therapist diagnose you with PTSD, because mine just did, and our situations are very similar (childhood trauma, abuse, etc.), and I was just curious because it feels like such an extreme diagnosis." And I told her that I don't think my therapist has diagnosed me with anything, but is approaching treatment from the standpoint that I have a crapton of trauma to work through, so PTSD probably isn't wrong. And since I have therapy tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if that's a correct diagnosis/label.

I mean, having a label doesn't change how she's approaching treatment, but I'm just curious. Actually, I'm guessing she has to put some kind of diagnosis on the insurance claims, so I've gotta be chock full of something trauma-related.

I'm trying to work up the nerve to say that I'll go to an ADAPT thing. It'll be easier if I get a ride from someone, and someone did offer me a ride, but then that means that I'll be depending on them for getting home, too.

Steph, for me the weird thing is how differently my brother experienced our family than I did. Because as the youngest child and only boy he had different things plus six years apart was enough to make the circumstances very different--when I was young we were poor and struggling and moved States. Then in high school mom went back to college. For him though, mom went back to college in elementary school and was making money by the end of it. So different.

I just want to give those of you who hug big hugs. Jilli and Sara and sj and Liese and Gud and Steph and Zen and Windy and Maria and Glam and Amy and Dana and anyone I have inevitably forgotten to list here because I have NO MEMORY anymore, please know that though I don't speak up often, I see you and I care and I am pulling for you.

ETA: Have already edited five times after going "how the hell did I forget X?!?" Five times. Seriously. No memory.

here is kinda still the only place I can, so I need to.

Bingo. FB is a no go, even with filters, because someone will inevitably talk about it with someone who's not on the filter. Here is where I know I will get solid advice, with no judgment.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop. I'll never get to ask him why though. It complicates my memories of him, and of us.

I hope things work out in the direction they need to, whichever way that is.

I wish I knew. My fear is that I'll settle again. I can't do that, and survive.

I'm seeing a rough stretch of time unfold now. And I wish you so much strength wherever and however you end up.

Yeah. Things were going along fine, until they weren't. A whole bunch of stuff popped up out of the blue.

Memories are such a bitch, Tep. Maybe between you and your brother, you'll be able to at least fill in some gaps.

My sister and I are only 3 years apart, but I wonder how her experience is different than mine. It's not necessarily a question I can ask her, because while we're close, our relationship does not involve those kinds of discussions.

Again, thank you all for being so supportive.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop.

Do you feel like you're allowed to be angry at Rob? I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy (which I have in 45 minutes) is being allowed to be angry at my parents. Because I was never allowed to be angry, even though they caused so much damage, both actively and through passive neglect. My getting angry at them was a much bigger crime than them abusing their children was (you know, in their eyes).

So I'm a seething ball of Hulk rage now, which is scary because it feels forbidden. And it's starting to be SUPER empowering...because it was always forbidden.

So I just wondered if that's an element you're dealing with -- being angry at him, especially because he's not here to explain/defend/apologize.

I'm home from vacation. No one was here to make me tea or change ltc's diapers this morning. I think I must have been a lady of leisure in a former life.

I'm so in awe of everyone here who is working so hard through their issues. Someday I will find a therapist who doesn't need therapy more than I do and actually find the time to go. In the meantime I'm going to try to work on my health and fitness in the hopes that being less exhausted along with ADs will make me less depressed. I'll be able to use the gym in the fall when ltc starts school, but I need to start exercising at home before then so I'm not starting at zero.

Love and hugs and support to all as needed. I read and send loving thoughts, but often don't know what to say for fear that my words won't convey the real level of compassion and concern I feel.

I had a lot more written about my best and worst coping with life methods, but I keep getting distracted by work stuff and I don't want to be that scattered with my thoughts.