I'm home from vacation. No one was here to make me tea or change ltc's diapers this morning. I think I must have been a lady of leisure in a former life.

I'm so in awe of everyone here who is working so hard through their issues. Someday I will find a therapist who doesn't need therapy more than I do and actually find the time to go. In the meantime I'm going to try to work on my health and fitness in the hopes that being less exhausted along with ADs will make me less depressed. I'll be able to use the gym in the fall when ltc starts school, but I need to start exercising at home before then so I'm not starting at zero.

Love and hugs and support to all as needed. I read and send loving thoughts, but often don't know what to say for fear that my words won't convey the real level of compassion and concern I feel.

I had a lot more written about my best and worst coping with life methods, but I keep getting distracted by work stuff and I don't want to be that scattered with my thoughts.

My getting angry at them was a much bigger crime than them abusing their children was (you know, in their eyes).

Let me tell you about what happened on 4/28. We had to put Lucky to sleep that day. It's also my parents' anniversary, and we were all having dinner at the shop. My father said something about inviting other people over to dine with us, because he promised them wine and cheese and charcuterie with us. They are friends, but they were already well beyond buzzed, and I just wanted to eat and go home and mourn Lucky. He insisted, and I said that was fine. I'll eat in the back and go home, because I can't deal with people right now. I got a shut up and sit down, which made me respond in a highly offensive manner in Italian--basically fuck you and your mother. And I walked out. And got in the car and drove all the way to the PA/NJ border because I was so angry. My father didn't talk to me for two weeks. His "shut up and sit down" was fine, but my response warranted the nuclear option.

I'm not allowed to be angry at my parents either. I have been angry at Rob, and I'm angry all over again at him. The not being here to respond is the super-frustrating part, because I really want to know if I meant that little to him.

I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy is being allowed to be angry at my parents.

Steph is me.

You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be angry at parents, loved ones, children, friends.

I have anger, but I really work on letting it go because it doesn't help me and makes me feel worse. The hardest is when I have anger with my kids. Painful, but it serves me no purpose and has to be let go.

After Steve died I was furious with him for making me move away from Fort Lauderdale and to the ancient house in Delray. I had been trying to fix one thing or another and went across the street to whine to my old neighbor. I was just so angry that he left me in such a horrible house that I never wanted in a city I hated, and it had so many problems and I cried and complained on and on. Old Jack patiently listened to me then told me I had every right to be angry and to just go ahead and be angry, but it wasn't going to make me feel any better or solve the issues. He started asking me questions. Did I feel better being angry? Would it change anything? Then he redirected me to making a plan to make my living condition better.

He compared anger with jealousy. He said both were useless emotions that only made you feel worse and didn't change or solve a damned thing. He tapped into my logical side and it helped.

I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy is being allowed to be angry at my parents.

Ahahahaha. Yeah. One of the big things we did when I was in therapy was learning that I was allowed to be angry - at not just my mom, but anyone - and that asking for help didn't mean I was going to bother or upset anyone.

::hugs everyone in this bar::

Anger is such a hard emotion to deal with, because it is so often forbidden. We didn't do a lot of anger or confrontation in my house either, because ... my mom was sick? There's still a lot to unpack there, but I'm mostly beyond that.

What I'm struggling with is my anger at myself. I know that we both did things wrong in my marriage to S., but somehow I'm only angry at me for them -- for staying (read: being stupid enough to stay), for hoping he would change, for not fixing everything myself. Even just writing it out, I know objectively it's not the right way to feel (is there a right way to feel?), but I still feel it.

When I was processing the anger at my parents during therapy, I had some really overwhelming dreams. In my dreams about my dad, I basically always yelled at him--I followed him around detailing all the ways he'd been a bad father. The dreams about my mom were totally different. In one I stabbed her. In one, I pushed her out the window. In another, I CUT OFF HER HEAD, and put it in a cannon and shot it into space.

I'm really glad we have each other. Hugs to everyone.

I'm dealing with allowing my self to be angry and grieve over a lot of things. Not necessarily at my parents but I never felt like it was ok I think mostly because the things weren't treated like a reason to be sad or angry.

I'm going to recommend a book called Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame. Dad gave it to me because he read it and recognized himself in it and thought it would help me. It's not just about being made to feel shame about who you are but also about how the different ways we are shamed as kids (like by expressing feelings) effects us

Old Jack patiently listened to me then told me I had every right to be angry and to just go ahead and be angry, but it wasn't going to make me feel any better or solve the issues. He started asking me questions. Did I feel better being angry? Would it change anything? Then he redirected me to making a plan to make my living condition better.

He compared anger with jealousy. He said both were useless emotions that only made you feel worse and didn't change or solve a damned thing. He tapped into my logical side and it helped.

I agree with that in a general sense, but I really need to be able to be angry at my parents. To answer the question "Did I feel better being angry?" Oh, FUCK YES I do.

In another, I CUT OFF HER HEAD, and put it in a cannon and shot it into space.

That is MAGNIFICENT.