here is kinda still the only place I can, so I need to.

Bingo. FB is a no go, even with filters, because someone will inevitably talk about it with someone who's not on the filter. Here is where I know I will get solid advice, with no judgment.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop. I'll never get to ask him why though. It complicates my memories of him, and of us.

I hope things work out in the direction they need to, whichever way that is.

I wish I knew. My fear is that I'll settle again. I can't do that, and survive.

I'm seeing a rough stretch of time unfold now. And I wish you so much strength wherever and however you end up.

Yeah. Things were going along fine, until they weren't. A whole bunch of stuff popped up out of the blue.

Memories are such a bitch, Tep. Maybe between you and your brother, you'll be able to at least fill in some gaps.

My sister and I are only 3 years apart, but I wonder how her experience is different than mine. It's not necessarily a question I can ask her, because while we're close, our relationship does not involve those kinds of discussions.

Again, thank you all for being so supportive.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop.

Do you feel like you're allowed to be angry at Rob? I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy (which I have in 45 minutes) is being allowed to be angry at my parents. Because I was never allowed to be angry, even though they caused so much damage, both actively and through passive neglect. My getting angry at them was a much bigger crime than them abusing their children was (you know, in their eyes).

So I'm a seething ball of Hulk rage now, which is scary because it feels forbidden. And it's starting to be SUPER empowering...because it was always forbidden.

So I just wondered if that's an element you're dealing with -- being angry at him, especially because he's not here to explain/defend/apologize.

I'm home from vacation. No one was here to make me tea or change ltc's diapers this morning. I think I must have been a lady of leisure in a former life.

I'm so in awe of everyone here who is working so hard through their issues. Someday I will find a therapist who doesn't need therapy more than I do and actually find the time to go. In the meantime I'm going to try to work on my health and fitness in the hopes that being less exhausted along with ADs will make me less depressed. I'll be able to use the gym in the fall when ltc starts school, but I need to start exercising at home before then so I'm not starting at zero.

Love and hugs and support to all as needed. I read and send loving thoughts, but often don't know what to say for fear that my words won't convey the real level of compassion and concern I feel.

I had a lot more written about my best and worst coping with life methods, but I keep getting distracted by work stuff and I don't want to be that scattered with my thoughts.

My getting angry at them was a much bigger crime than them abusing their children was (you know, in their eyes).

Let me tell you about what happened on 4/28. We had to put Lucky to sleep that day. It's also my parents' anniversary, and we were all having dinner at the shop. My father said something about inviting other people over to dine with us, because he promised them wine and cheese and charcuterie with us. They are friends, but they were already well beyond buzzed, and I just wanted to eat and go home and mourn Lucky. He insisted, and I said that was fine. I'll eat in the back and go home, because I can't deal with people right now. I got a shut up and sit down, which made me respond in a highly offensive manner in Italian--basically fuck you and your mother. And I walked out. And got in the car and drove all the way to the PA/NJ border because I was so angry. My father didn't talk to me for two weeks. His "shut up and sit down" was fine, but my response warranted the nuclear option.

I'm not allowed to be angry at my parents either. I have been angry at Rob, and I'm angry all over again at him. The not being here to respond is the super-frustrating part, because I really want to know if I meant that little to him.

I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy is being allowed to be angry at my parents.

Steph is me.

You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be angry at parents, loved ones, children, friends.

I have anger, but I really work on letting it go because it doesn't help me and makes me feel worse. The hardest is when I have anger with my kids. Painful, but it serves me no purpose and has to be let go.

After Steve died I was furious with him for making me move away from Fort Lauderdale and to the ancient house in Delray. I had been trying to fix one thing or another and went across the street to whine to my old neighbor. I was just so angry that he left me in such a horrible house that I never wanted in a city I hated, and it had so many problems and I cried and complained on and on. Old Jack patiently listened to me then told me I had every right to be angry and to just go ahead and be angry, but it wasn't going to make me feel any better or solve the issues. He started asking me questions. Did I feel better being angry? Would it change anything? Then he redirected me to making a plan to make my living condition better.

He compared anger with jealousy. He said both were useless emotions that only made you feel worse and didn't change or solve a damned thing. He tapped into my logical side and it helped.

I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy is being allowed to be angry at my parents.

Ahahahaha. Yeah. One of the big things we did when I was in therapy was learning that I was allowed to be angry - at not just my mom, but anyone - and that asking for help didn't mean I was going to bother or upset anyone.

::hugs everyone in this bar::

Anger is such a hard emotion to deal with, because it is so often forbidden. We didn't do a lot of anger or confrontation in my house either, because ... my mom was sick? There's still a lot to unpack there, but I'm mostly beyond that.

What I'm struggling with is my anger at myself. I know that we both did things wrong in my marriage to S., but somehow I'm only angry at me for them -- for staying (read: being stupid enough to stay), for hoping he would change, for not fixing everything myself. Even just writing it out, I know objectively it's not the right way to feel (is there a right way to feel?), but I still feel it.

When I was processing the anger at my parents during therapy, I had some really overwhelming dreams. In my dreams about my dad, I basically always yelled at him--I followed him around detailing all the ways he'd been a bad father. The dreams about my mom were totally different. In one I stabbed her. In one, I pushed her out the window. In another, I CUT OFF HER HEAD, and put it in a cannon and shot it into space.