Yes, I am determined to continue to do things even when there may be awkwardness. Breathe and do it. In the next month I have visitors coming who were close to Bobby, his favorite cousins from NY visiting for Spring Break, and my sisters and a whole bunch of local family here for the Air Show. I'm thinking I should let him know when these family gatherings will occur and let him know he would be welcomed. Maybe it would be easier for him with a bunch of other people. Maybe he would come with the kids. I can't imagine his wife coming. I don't know, but I feel like it is my role to try. I know he misses his close family but has put himself in a corner. (Note that I will swing to anger and never wanting to see them before the day is done. Emotions are still volatile.)

Go askye with the unintentional bodybuilding! Strength is cool! My strength has deteriorated since I don't lug around computers, kids, and other things on a regular basis.

Volatile emotions are understandable.

I have some formerly extremely close friends who seem to be doing a fade out and I hate it but there’s not really much to be done?? It sucks badly though.

I have some formerly extremely close friends who seem to be doing a fade out and I hate it but there’s not really much to be done?? It sucks badly though.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through as an adult, and maybe worse because I never anticipated it. I’m admittedly super choosy when it comes to who I “let in” and then once I do, I’m about as loyal and generous a friend you can have. I put as much energy into my friendships as I do into romantic relationships, and when a close friend just allows things to fade away, it hurts as much as any other breakup.

I do know I’m not alone in this kind of pain, and it’s been interesting in the last few years to see more of an emphasis on exploring friendships - the book the “Call Your Girlfriend” podcasters wrote about their friendship was good. And I really like Marisa Franco’s research.

Anyway, the good news is that I’m still able to make new friends, and I have been, and that’s great. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss people. And it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to seeing them (the “ex” friends) in social situations.

Laura I so hope this year is the year you’re reconciled with Bobby.

Well and like, romantic relationships are more definitive usually—people can ghost but usually there’s some sort of breakup, friendly or not. Whereas friendships aren’t normally that clear cut.

Exactly.

Agreed. The few times I've lost an established friendship, it has hurt as much (or almost, anyway) as the end of a romantic relationship.

Why does my mother lie to me so much? Because I got feedback(as I frequently do, I should note) that something I sent out didn't have enough arc for my protagonist. But, okay, what do I know about decisions with consequences?(Or even seeing a fork in a road and taking it?) Not a lot. I picked electives and bought a shitload of paperbacks. That's more or less it. But mom is so determined to act like I'm not different that she says "What? You make decisions all the time!" But it doesn't *matter* that I pick the chicken over the burger, right? Even the BA that I really did fight my way through, besides being tightly scripted, excited people for about seven seconds before people were like "But can you type?"(One day, I swear, I'll be over my graduation non-event, but it set the tone for my life in the absolute opposite way than I expected when I did my Advanced Placement tests, etc.) I mean, maybe that made sense when I was still ten and could still believe that I Could Adapt Anything, but it's way too late for all of that! Maybe I'll put it on my birthday list: Mom Admits That Being Disabled Is Different. And what do I do about my writing since I've never been at a crossroads that was, you know, my crossroads.

FWIW, my mother used to lie when it made a better story.

Well, there's that, which I guess I have done. But I think she is still trying to shape me in ways that are beside the point now.(Or maybe she just believes I do a lot more than I do white sitting here typing. Maybe I wish.)