Ugh, I hate everything and I can't tell if it's depression or just profound misanthropy.

Dana, why not both.

It's too much effort to determine if it's both. I mean, it's probably both. But eh.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It's sad...but oddly comforting...that we've all had similar experiences.

Today was my first full day 'off' in a while...from caregiving anyway...and it was a big help. A break gave me the space to get my head right again. Thank goodness.

How awful about the house fire, Steph. And, how great that you can be honest about your feelings. It's understandable, I suppose, but sometimes strange how we tend to deify the lost. Reputations are cleansed by their proximity to the Deity...or whatever.

A good friend of mine accidentally shot himself in the head on his second day with the Sacramento police. His loss ended the use of clamshell holsters in the services. Officers actually drove from NYC and everywhere else in the country for his funeral. He was lauded as a hero when the truth is, a really nice guy did a super stupid thing.

Losing my friend on Pan Am 103 was hella dramatic, and she was my personal hero in so many ways, but she would have actually guffawed at some of the things people who didn't even know her said.

I think we honor the dead more by being true to them in life and beyond.

there was enough fact and truth in them to change my perception of the relationship we'd always had, my opinion of him. The relationship changed, because he was no longer lucid or really responsive, thanks to the drugs. But I have an idea how that felt, and I'm very sorry.

You're amazing. I wish her ease, and comfort, both of which are helped by your constance and presence. And I wish you strength.

You put your finger on it, Beverly. Her words poked sharply at one of my insecurities. Maybe I'm not loving enough...etc. And, the shock of the contrast can't be overestimated either. It was just so not her. Or, maybe it was absolutely both of us. Anyway, I'm trying not to think about it so much now.

Thank you, too, for the kind words. There is a certain selfishness in doing this, I suppose, because my ego just can't let people be left in the hands of folks who don't do it well. I've had to devise shuffling out the door maneuvers for several guests who either demanded that the dying lady feel sorry for THEIR troubles (I wish I was kidding about that) or who are told outright that her energy is miniscule and finite, but can't take the hint to go live their own lives.

She is feeling like she has to cater to other people's needs when it just makes no sense. The end is so near that I'd love it if she had some super selfish inclinations, but she is both kind and trained to Southern manners.

It's an adventure, that is for sure.

ltc has figured out how to turn on the loud electronic toys on her own. Send earplugs.

beekaytee, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

My brain has been too fried lately to participate much, but I'm thinking of all of you. I should be better after ltc's birthday party this weekend and she starts school next week.

Horrible news, Steph. Reminds me I need to replace one of my smoke alarms. Do they know how the fire started?

My mother said some awful things in her dementia, too. So did my grandmother, but Mam said kinda awful things anyway...:) It happens to so many people. I don't believe it's "what they really think". Changes in the brain cause personality changes, and it's more like an interface error than an evil mental twin. I hope that makes sense.

Horrible news, Steph. Reminds me I need to replace one of my smoke alarms. Do they know how the fire started?

None of the news stories had any information about that, and I don't know if they'll update it. I'm curious, too, but it's not the kind of thing I would ask about, because my respect for privacy (barely) outweighs my curiosity.

feeling like she has to cater to other people's needs when it just makes no sense. The end is so near that I'd love it if she had some super selfish inclinations, but she is both kind and trained to Southern manners.

This. You long-term 'ffistas may remember the story about H at my dad's viewing, when the relatives thought we weren't performing mourning correctly, and he dismissed them with, "Let 'em get their own corpse."

I have no patience with that performative art. And comforting others who come to express sympathy--well. The main reason there was no funeral or memorial for StE was my unwillingness/inability to perform.

I do think there's an expectation to participate in the theater around dying and public mourning, an excitement and titillation that has been cultured by various societies. For some, it's closure. For me it's repellent, and I'll go find a clearing in the woods to rage and mourn in private, and not feel compelled to validate a second cousin I'd met once as a child by demonstrating emotional support for them.

On the other hand, co-workers and I figured we could eat lunch for free every day simply by checking obits and dropping by for "condolence calls" when the family was receiving at home, with a spread brought by the church and neighbors.

I do think there's an expectation to participate in the theater around dying and public mourning, an excitement and titillation that has been cultured by various societies. For some, it's closure. For me it's repellent, and I'll go find a clearing in the woods to rage and mourn in private, and not feel compelled to validate a second cousin I'd met once as a child by demonstrating emotional support for them.

I go to visitations/funerals to support the bereaved loved one(s), but when I feel strong-armed into it, I get pissed. When a friend died unexpectedly a couple of years ago, a mutual friend who was very close to the woman who died arranged a memorial at a restaurant for our friends, as the funeral services were for family only. The night of the memorial, which was quite out of the way for some people (an hour's drive or more), there was torrential rain. The friend who arranged the memorial took to Facebook ahead of the memorial and in an angry all-caps screed she pronounced that anyone who dared to skip this memorial should never speak to her again, because she would consider it unforgivable.

I 100% acknowledge that she was grieving, and that leads to unpredictable emotions, but that outburst pissed me off so hard. I have no idea if she walked back her angry pronouncement and apologized to the people who didn't show up because they didn't want to drive over an hour at night one way in the pouring rain, but I do know there are people who haven't spoken to her since then. And hell, maybe she thinks it was worth it to cull the herd.

Am I letting down the team if I say no to the PIO at AHCCS(AZ Medicaid)? Because healthcare is important to me, and I want to bring attention, but, at the same time, I'm not really looking to be The Face Of this stuff(And I'm already on one ugly website for our attendant-care agency...don't ask.) i said yes to everyone all summer because I felt like the disability perspective was not being articulated, but I don't feel quite the same about it now...and I thought that speech earlier in the month was, you know, The Biggest Deal, worried about it for weeks and then it was a very minor deal indeed.(Not that I do things, like, looking for my closeup, or what have you...I hope you guys understand that.Just having limited mobility puts pressure on everything I can get to to be The Best, even when I know intellectually, many things are quite ordinary. Another thing that sucks for me, is that when I say yes to things, it's kind of like *we* say yes.(And my mother would very much prefer planting herbs in a window box than telling our life story again). Sometimes it's worth fighting past all that, sometimes I have to pull an Elsa and put it aside... Not sure what to do in this instance.