I'm just not good enough.

As she constantly makes you believe this, she is NOT a good person. Certainly not toward you. You deserve better.

YOU. ARE. NOT. DEFECTIVE.

(Sorry for the shout. But.)

I don't know about therapy. I feel like I'd have to do it in secret which is hard on my schedule and money really is tight right now

Again, there are places that do sliding-scale payments. And check your insurance -- the copay might be lower than you think. (Mine is $25. I was really surprised at that. And thrilled, because it means that weekly therapy doesn't break the bank.)

I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective

You're not defective. Being on the spectrum doesn't make anyone defective. Ever. It doesn't make you unable to love someone. It doesn't make you unworthy of love.

I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems.

She doesn't come across as a bad person because of you; she comes across as a bad person because she is abusing you.

My wife is a good person,

She is very definitely NOT a good person. She is in fact a shitty human being who is cruel, verbally abusive (on a daily basis) and (to be honest) lazy and narcissistic.

but I think I've just let her down too many times.

Nope. She flipped out because you were in the hospital instead of DOING HER BIDDING. Because she's a total asshole.

Her business is in the red because (a) she's not doing any of the work (you are); and (b) nobody in their right mind would go to her for counseling.

She's actively abusive. You are the person she is abusing. You know this is true.

I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective and I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems. She really isn't. I'm just not good enough.

You are not defective. You are not a defective person FULL STOP.

Having Asperger's doesn't make you defective any more than it makes me defective. It doesn't make you unloveable or incapable of love or unworthy of love. You love your kids. Your kids love you. We love you.

You, Gud, are worthy of love and you are a good person. A good person whose brain works differently. A good person in an abusive relationship. You will still be a good person when you say your wife is being abusive. You will still be a good person when you leave. You are a good non defective person.

You are worthy. You, Gudanov, you are worthy of love and understanding and kindness and being able to go home from the hospital and continue to recuperate from a severe infection.

Good isn't a thing you are. Good is a thing you do. (Like Ms Marvel says.) Good is a thing she is not doing.

The relationship you and your wife have is now toxic. It doesn't matter that once upon a time it wasn't: it is now. And it's killing you. It's probably not doing her any favors, either.

You need to talk to a professional, both of you. For your health and that of your children, no matter what.

Gud, what everyone else said. You are not a bad person. Your wife is not a good person. And dcp is especially wise: this voice in your head telling you you are shitty is a symptom of an infection, just as what landed you in the hospital were symptoms of a different kind of infection. Both need professional treatment to clear the infections and get you healthy, and you DESERVE that level of care.

The relationship you and your wife have is now toxic. It doesn't matter that once upon a time it wasn't: it is now. And it's killing you. It's probably not doing her any favors, either.

I want to surround this with blinking lights.

Gud, you aren't defective. And even if you were, so the fuck what? "Defective" people deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. "Defective" people deserve to have their partner treat them with kindness and respect.

You aren't defective. I will repeat this as often as you need to hear it.

Gud, I don't think your wife is a bad person, I think she's not coping correctly with her anxiety and sense of self -- and she's decided that it's =you= who are the trouble and who needs to be corrected, rather than looking to herself and fixing her own behavior/dealing with her anxieties.

And with the low self-esteem you've developed, you're actually NOT helping her, by trying to placate her and make up for her unhappiness when it's actually on her to accept that her husband is sick and needs rest.

You really really need to say NO to going out and doing shopping when you're just out of the hospital, if only because I doubt you're physically up to driving with the sleep deprivation and all. (Antibiotics themselves can do a number on you.)

(Question: does she drive? Is she house-bound unless there's someone to drive her?)

I hate to pile-on here, because I want this to be a supportive place for you, because I think you really really need to hear that you are valued and worthy, and to have fun with your friends. You are a great person and deserve to believe that.