Gud, what everyone else said. You are not a bad person. Your wife is not a good person. And dcp is especially wise: this voice in your head telling you you are shitty is a symptom of an infection, just as what landed you in the hospital were symptoms of a different kind of infection. Both need professional treatment to clear the infections and get you healthy, and you DESERVE that level of care.

The relationship you and your wife have is now toxic. It doesn't matter that once upon a time it wasn't: it is now. And it's killing you. It's probably not doing her any favors, either.

I want to surround this with blinking lights.

Gud, you aren't defective. And even if you were, so the fuck what? "Defective" people deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. "Defective" people deserve to have their partner treat them with kindness and respect.

You aren't defective. I will repeat this as often as you need to hear it.

Gud, I don't think your wife is a bad person, I think she's not coping correctly with her anxiety and sense of self -- and she's decided that it's =you= who are the trouble and who needs to be corrected, rather than looking to herself and fixing her own behavior/dealing with her anxieties.

And with the low self-esteem you've developed, you're actually NOT helping her, by trying to placate her and make up for her unhappiness when it's actually on her to accept that her husband is sick and needs rest.

You really really need to say NO to going out and doing shopping when you're just out of the hospital, if only because I doubt you're physically up to driving with the sleep deprivation and all. (Antibiotics themselves can do a number on you.)

(Question: does she drive? Is she house-bound unless there's someone to drive her?)

I hate to pile-on here, because I want this to be a supportive place for you, because I think you really really need to hear that you are valued and worthy, and to have fun with your friends. You are a great person and deserve to believe that.

In addition to everyone's smart and kind words, I'll just add that your wife should be encouraging you to go to therapy, because it's so sad that you feel like this, and you should get people to help you feel better, regardless of the root cause. (I mean, isn't that what your wife wants to be doing for work??)

Very much what Jesse said.

[link] Their phone number is 1−800−799−7233.

Please call this hotline when you can and let them know you would like to talk to someone about emotional/physical abuse because a large group of your friends is very concerned you may be suffering it. You don't need to actually go to therapy. Crisis hotlines (with the option to chat, though I would recommend voice) are wonderful.

Timelies all!

What the others said, Gud.

Gud, even if were true and she's amazing and you're a screw up, wouldn't therapy help you be better for her?

I am flailing all over the internet at the news that Patrick Stewart is doing a new Star Trek series ABOUT PICARD on the CBS streaming service.

As for keeping therapy a secret--why?

"As you frequently point out, dear, I'm a shitty person. And having tried it your way for a very long time, with me trying to be less shitty and you pointing out how and why and how often I'm shitty, it obviously isn't working. And really, your way, there just isn't any harder I can try.

"So I'm going to see a professional who helps people not to be so shitty. I'd think you would be glad and grateful at my continued pursuit of being less shitty, and would be encouraged by in this plan."