So D had a phone interview last night for that InfoSec job at the casino. It was a screening interview, but it seemed to go really well, and he's superqualified for it (the interviewer started out with "Er, did you READ the job description?" because apparently they've gotten quite a lot of applicants who were interested in "getting into Security" -- which, this would be basically a job for being in total charge of all the IS at a multi-million dollar casino...um, no.)
He's really excited about this job. I, OTOH, got a script for Valium from my doc yesterday based on how much anxiety I have about this whole moving to PA thing.
One of my hippie-dippie friends, bless her optimistic little heart, told me I should try to look at this as an opportunity to reinvent myself. I love her, but all I could think of was "I don't want to REINVENT myself. I would like to recapture my former badassness, and I don't see how removing myself from all I know and love while suffering crippling anxiety and depression while moving to close forced proximity and interaction with the person I despise most in the world could POSSIBLY make me reinvent myself into anything but an axe murderer."
Why, yes, I am making an appointment with my therapist. I KNOW there are positives to this -- D making a CRAZY jump in salary (I am so, so tired of being we-don't have-food-for-four-days-until-payday poor), there are crazy-awesome Buffistas in PA and in NYC whom I could visit, my husband would be wildly happy to HAVE HIS SON FINALLY for more than a combo of 4 weeks a year...but there are a fuckton of really big cons, too, and I can't yet quite get past those.
Sorry to be a Debby Downer, but I am really struggling with this...like, it's the biggest life change I would ever make, and it's not a choice I would make of my own violition.
I have heard from a couple of former co-workers at the last job that management is making it clear that Weird People need to tone it down. The blue-dreadlocked, Burning Man-attending IT lead who could perform miracles had it suggested that they start buying khakis and polo shirts. She's cheerfully given her 2 week notice.
They're also down two more writers since I fled. Oh, the schadenfreude I am embracing! Especially since my new boss has called me
"a major talent upgrade".
Jilli, embrace away! You are a fucking rock star.
Wait, new boss?? When did that happen?
Sorry to be a Debby Downer, but I am really struggling with this...like, it's the biggest life change I would ever make, and it's not a choice I would make of my own violition.
You are not a Debby Downer about this! It's an enormous life change, and it's like...shit, you mean those wedding vows were FOR REAL? Fuck, man.
I think (FWIW) that at this point you don't need to think about reinventing yourself or recapturing your former self, or anything like that. That's long-range. Or medium-range. But at this point, you need to take care of yourself to get through this. Self-actualization can come later.
my new boss has called me "a major talent upgrade".
Not to mention a huge style upgrade.
Tep is wise.
Also (just for lulz), the ex -- when told that D AND ME had discussed the move, and we were both agreed on it -- her response was "What -- BOTH of you would move?!"
WTFF? I'm supposed to divorce my awesome husband because he loves his kid so much he'll move cross-country because he's a great, engaged father?! Don't judge me by your "run when things get hard" yardstick, babe. Just because it's hard, I don't bail. I may be a hot mess right now, but I'm a FIGHTING hot mess.
"What -- BOTH of you would move?!"
But--that doesn't fit in with her grand plan to drag D back into her clutches!
"What -- BOTH of you would move?!"
Is she *just* malicious, or also a huge dipshit? Because I'm sensing the latter.
It's totally a big thing you are doing, Strix, and feeling anxious, terrified, etc. is totally natural. Let yourself have those feelings, it's okay. Glad you have the therapist to go to!
