Today I took E from school to swim practice. Got him a snack and everything. Only I hadn't eaten much and my anxiety was high and there was no word on if my bro or his GF would be home to feed E and I was freaking slighty over being at their house and figuring that out so Mom took him and I found food. Not out our place because it meant cooking.

I have my first EMDR thingy at therapy tomorrow and it has me on edge a bit because I want it to work but I don't want to deal with the emotions.

I also went to get Zoe's Tale from the library and they didn't have it! all the other books in the series but not that one so I went to request it (for purchase) and the guy got huffy with me. "I'm not sure they'll agree to buy it". It's the middle of a series! Even as an E book that would be good (they ahve some series that are half E books half physical books). The person who helped me when I requested Updraft was much nicer and more positive.

After serious deliberation, I have stopped taking my antidepressant. It's been two days and I feel great, and I'm no longer getting the scary symptoms. If I should start talking like I'm real depressed, or suddenly drop out of sight, would someone kindly message me and suggest perhaps I ought reconsider?

I will definitely keep an eye out for any drastic changes, Zen - not that my judgment is all that great (your post reminded me that I haven't taken my own AD, which I most definitely can't stop taking, in at least a day or maybe two or three, I can't remember which).

Zen, I hope it's not one that needs to be tapered off? Do be careful.

I've been wondering if I need to do something, too. I thought I was doing well, though my AD hasn't necessarily worked GREAT for me ever...but I've also been feeling pretty blah lately, and maybe I need that Vitamin D more than I realized? ...it's so hard for me to tell, sometimes, where the line is between "I'm lazy" and "I'm depressed"...

Thanks, JZ. Now go take your meds!

meara, no, my dose is low enough, I can safely just stop. Vitamin D makes a difference for me, but I take about 6000 IU a day. Not everyone wants to do that! My blood levels are good; I'm not taking too much.

I'm always lazy. I'm not always depressed. Right now, for whatever reason, I'm fine - I'm clear-headed, optimistic, and calm. (And still lazy.) What I think of as "normal". Let's see if it lasts! "Hahaha No" is a heavy favorite to win, with several wins in its corner already. Place your bets now, window closes in 24 hours.

I'm always lazy. I'm not always depressed.

Yeah, well, this is my problem. :) To be fair, at my dad's 70th birthday party, his family members were joking around that it's totally a [mylastname] thing, to be lazy as fuck. Which is funny given that they were hard working farmers, until his generation. But I guess lazy as they could be?? Being home for the past almost two weeks hasn't helped--I didn't really have enough work to do, but I never feel good about myself when I just fuck around and don't get things done.

therapy was a fucking disaster.

Oh, dear, askye. Are you okay?

not the worst I've been but it's difficult because I don't have a great connection with this therapist. I don't think it's a good fit and we jumped in the deep end.

I don't know what to do about that.

I wanted to come home and just.. I don't know, fall apart and I couldn't because E was here and I couldn't just hide in my room either and he didn't want to do his homework or finish his Valentine's or pay attention. I'm realizing I like kids in small doses and there's not goign to be a lot of small doses.

Right now I'm alone but only for another hour.

Mom freaks out or gets angry or just doesn't understand.

And I keep thinking about self harm which I haven't done and I won't but it's just one more thing to deal with.

That's hard, askye.

Is there anything particular you can do as a safety plan to avoid self-harm?