Internal and external. Job search is barely moving along. I'm still stuck in the loop of not being sure if Rob ever really loved me. Wondering if I'm making a mistake in moving back to PA. Tired of walking into an empty house. Tired of not having anyone who will just hold me and shut out the world for a little while. Tired of everyone getting pregnant and having babies.

It's all constant reminders of what I don't have, and maybe what I never had. Yes, I do realize I have a lot of wonderful things in my life--my family, you all, my true friends--but lately I haven't been able to gain perspective like I want.

And I'm totally whining. Which just feeds into it. Buck up and deal.

Whining is like draining the nasty muck out of the bottom of the water heater. It needs to be done and it's icky, but you have to do it to clean things out.

So do it here, where we don't mind, and can maybe help a little. You are definitely loveable (met you, once upon a time. Loveable, I can vouch), and loved. Loved both for reason, and just because you're Maria.

And I'm totally whining. Which just feeds into it. Buck up and deal.

You've been doing a lot of bucking up and dealing lately, and moving forward. There's no shame in feeling weary of it, or wanting to be further along.

Moving is absolutely the right thing to do. You won't be coming back to the same empty house, haunted with memories.

You've already physically changed yourself, and become much stronger.

You are loved.

That's a lot of complicated stuff in your brain. It's better to talk about it than to keep it inside and create an insano feedback loop. Because that feedback loop? Is not your friend.

I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.

Maria, change is really fucking hard. Even good changes can knock you for a loop. Of course you are going to have days full of doubt. Part of that is normal fears trying to get you to stay where you are. Inertia is easy. Just tell inertia to fuck off and keep on moving forward. Those voices will get fainter.

Signed, Inertia is my own worst enemy

Maria, you are not any of the awful things that you're telling yourself you are. You are a wonderful, strong, and loveable person.

I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability isn't weakness. And you are safe here.

I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.

Sometimes you fake it until you make it. You've been pushing and pushing forward. I don't know where the "fooling" is coming from - you've been very honest about what you're dealing with.

Sometimes you need to let your inner drill instructor have a day off. Try to get out of your head and out of your house.