Maria, you are not any of the awful things that you're telling yourself you are. You are a wonderful, strong, and loveable person.

I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability isn't weakness. And you are safe here.

I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.

Sometimes you fake it until you make it. You've been pushing and pushing forward. I don't know where the "fooling" is coming from - you've been very honest about what you're dealing with.

Sometimes you need to let your inner drill instructor have a day off. Try to get out of your head and out of your house.

And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

Exposing anything *is* vulnerable, so you're right. But this is a safe place to be vulnerable, if that helps, even a little.

Grief isn't a straight path, Maria. Days like today are hard, brutal even, but its all part of the journey. Even the feelings of self-hatred and doubt. Be gentle with yourself, and know that those feelings may speak to certain parts of your experience right now, but they don't speak to any kind of enduring or eternal truth.

We've got your back.

I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.

Can you handle being an inspiration for some part of your life, and not all? Different parts to different people? Some might be inspired that you are willing to uproot and live by family. Others by how much you're getting into working out. Etc--can you accept there are at least portions of what you do that are inspirational, and that your whole life doesn't have to be?

I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone.

Flat-out untrue. Edit: argh, that sounds harsh. meara said it much better!

I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.

Fooling us how, exactly? Unless all those photos of you at the gym are really elaborate fakes, I'm pretty sure this isn't true either.

And it's not just about the gym, of course -- that's just the most obvious example that springs to mind. You have been consistently forthcoming here about the grief, pain, self-doubt and everything else that you've endured. If there are things you have decided not to share, or days when you feel you don't much want to talk about it, that's entirely your choice, but it still doesn't mean you're "fooling" anyone.

Gone video

Gone live

Gone acoustic

Sing the chorus out loud to yourself. Even if its under your breath. You know it will help, even if its only the teeniest, tiniest bit.

Hell, watch them on mute if you must. You know how the song goes. Observe the boys in all their precious rediculous magnificient beauty and love. Then just mouth the chorus.

I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

I hate the feeling SOOOOOO much. I am slowly slowly getting better at it but it is really hard. I know vulnerability isn't weakness, but it sure feels that way.

Inertia is easy.

Yeah. And I'm petrified I'm making a huge mistake, in so many different ways.

you've been very honest about what you're dealing with.

Sometimes I think I've been too honest. It's changed how some people interact with me. But I can't sugarcoat what I'm going through, nor am I going to waste the rest of my life pining away for my late husband.

I know this is a safe place. It's been a safe place for me for almost 10 years, and part of my angst right now is the fact that I'm using this as my safe place without contributing to the joy.

Days like today are hard, brutal even, but its all part of the journey.

I know, and I'm so goddamned tired of the brutal days. I just want a nice stretch of easiness to let me get my feet back under me again.

can you accept there are at least portions of what you do that are inspirational, and that your whole life doesn't have to be?

Yes, but on days like today it's tough. Fine, I go to the gym 5 days a week, but am I actually working to my full capacity each time? Yes, I'm uprooting my life and moving from the place I've spent the majority of my life, but am I pushing hard enough to get out of here as quickly as possible?

I have really tried to change the way I think over the last 15 months. I have tried to stop letting others' opinions of me matter. Some days are more successful than others.

Fooling us how, exactly?

It may look like I'm getting my act together, but it sure doesn't feel like it. My independent woman shtick feels like a cover for not being happy alone. I keep comparing my life to others (YES I KNOW IT'S WRONG, but tell my heart that) and it comes up woefully lacking.

The gym is the one place where it's cut and dry. Do the work, see results. Slack off, and don't.

Trudes, yeah. It helps. Always does.