Mal ,'Objects In Space'
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risqué (and frisqué), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
Maria, change is really fucking hard. Even good changes can knock you for a loop. Of course you are going to have days full of doubt. Part of that is normal fears trying to get you to stay where you are. Inertia is easy. Just tell inertia to fuck off and keep on moving forward. Those voices will get fainter.
Signed, Inertia is my own worst enemy
Maria, you are not any of the awful things that you're telling yourself you are. You are a wonderful, strong, and loveable person.
I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability isn't weakness. And you are safe here.
I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.
Sometimes you fake it until you make it. You've been pushing and pushing forward. I don't know where the "fooling" is coming from - you've been very honest about what you're dealing with.
Sometimes you need to let your inner drill instructor have a day off. Try to get out of your head and out of your house.
And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.
Exposing anything *is* vulnerable, so you're right. But this is a safe place to be vulnerable, if that helps, even a little.
Grief isn't a straight path, Maria. Days like today are hard, brutal even, but its all part of the journey. Even the feelings of self-hatred and doubt. Be gentle with yourself, and know that those feelings may speak to certain parts of your experience right now, but they don't speak to any kind of enduring or eternal truth.
We've got your back.
I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone. I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.
Can you handle being an inspiration for some part of your life, and not all? Different parts to different people? Some might be inspired that you are willing to uproot and live by family. Others by how much you're getting into working out. Etc--can you accept there are at least portions of what you do that are inspirational, and that your whole life doesn't have to be?
I am no inspiration, for anything or anyone.
Flat-out untrue. Edit: argh, that sounds harsh. meara said it much better!
I can barely keep my own shit together. I've been fooling everyone, it feels like.
Fooling us how, exactly? Unless all those photos of you at the gym are really elaborate fakes, I'm pretty sure this isn't true either.
And it's not just about the gym, of course -- that's just the most obvious example that springs to mind. You have been consistently forthcoming here about the grief, pain, self-doubt and everything else that you've endured. If there are things you have decided not to share, or days when you feel you don't much want to talk about it, that's entirely your choice, but it still doesn't mean you're "fooling" anyone.
Sing the chorus out loud to yourself. Even if its under your breath. You know it will help, even if its only the teeniest, tiniest bit.
Hell, watch them on mute if you must. You know how the song goes. Observe the boys in all their precious rediculous magnificient beauty and love. Then just mouth the chorus.
I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.
I hate the feeling SOOOOOO much. I am slowly slowly getting better at it but it is really hard. I know vulnerability isn't weakness, but it sure feels that way.