We were in much the same boat with my mom. For twenty years she refused to talk about end-of-life care, nursing homes, insurance, anything. Can't blame her; she was scared, but it made things much more difficult when we had to make those decisions without her input.

Assisted-living facilities are indeed very expensive. We did it private-pay, so that Mom could keep her assets, and we were able to afford it only because a combination of Mom's income and (I think) an insurance policy through her former employer was just barely enough to cover it. During the years Mom was in assisted living, we slowly moved money out of her accounts and into an account that my sister and I held jointly. By the time Mom was sick enough that she had to go into a nursing home, she had no money left in her own name, and so Medicare (Medicaid? I can never keep them straight) paid for the nursing home. This is all entirely legal, if you do it right.

We were lucky in that my sister and I trust each other and have similar priorities. We were also lucky to have a good lawyer.

FWIW, I urge everyone who can, no matter how young you are, especially if you have a family, to get a long-term care insurance policy. I get mine through my employer.

Taking care of your parents at home is a wonderful thing to be able to do, IF you can do it. My sister tried, bless her, and it nearly wrecked her. My mom needed a lot of care, and nearly-full-time supervision, and my sister, who had a full-time job, simply couldn't do it. At one point Mom's meds made her aggressive, and she would hit people, and I think that was the point when Lil realized we had to get Mom in a facility staffed with people who could care for her. Mom didn't like it there at first because it was unfamiliar, but it wasn't long before she made friends with everyone there and started feeling comfortable there. It was the right decision. Lil's a better person than me, because I wouldn't have even tried. The most complicated creature I can care for is a cat, and I know it.

He was desperately clingy for those times we were with him,

Even though my mother can still get out and do things, she's kind of this way, because between years when she had no time to do anything but look after Dad and the years before when she couldn't do anything social because of his drinking, she ended up with few friends. She resents the ones she had who didn't want to deal with Dad at his worst. (I have, on occasion, pointed out that we didn't want to deal with him either.)

And on that dreary note, hookers and blow!

There has not been enough hookers nor enough blow around here recently.

Sorry if I bristled, Ginger. I was just running over here to my MiL's to babysit so you accidentally hit a nerve.

You owe your parents the best end-of-life experience you can provide. Most of the time, that's not being cared for in your home, or in a home you share with them. At least, not in my experience.

Just to absolutely clear, I don't disagree. If I had it to do again, I would have put my mom into a facility a year earlier than we did.

Conversations like this always make me think the utterly I-should-be-struck-by-lightning thought of, "Thank god my dad is almost guaranteed to be dropped by a heart attack."

Of course, the "almost" part of the "almost guaranteed" leaves wiggle room for 30 more years of asking me to program his GPS.

My mom has told me repeatedly, "NEVER take care of me; just put me in a good care facility." The thing is, the way she phrased it, I think it's because she loathes the idea of family taking care of her, not because she doesn't want to be a burden. In fact, I'd bet large sums of folding money on it.

Please, Goddess, forgive me for being so pathetic and grateful that I no longer have to worry about elderly parents.

edit: interesting crosspost with Teppy.

Hookers and blow!

but there are so many personal issues there

Suela that's the crux and pisser of it, isn't it? That's the issue we are struggling with. My MIL is fearful of everything, so trying to get her to be comfortable anywhere is the issue, and my husband doesn't want her upset, it's crazy-making.

ION, ita I love your discovery of Community. My daughter was fiscally irresponsible and bought the DVDs and forced me to mainline all the season 1 eps, and I thank her for it every day. Abed and Troy LOVE!

I think, frankly, we're trapped in many ways because previous generations often had elderly members of the family living with their kids--but they didn't live as long with chronic health issues.

So there were fewer elderly needing assistance, and often the family was larger, people lived closer together, and because the elderly were generally in good health the burden wasn't as great. (That said, my maternal grandmother had COPD and needed pretty regular care for the 3-4 years she lived with us.)

Anyway, that was the expectation my parents grew up with: that their parents would live with them when they aged, and they would live with their children. But both my paternal grandfathers died before they were 65, and only one of my grandmothers lived past 75. There was much less of an issue with long-term medical/nursing care.

Not to mention the fact that all the kids work, and we're geographically pretty dispersed. And here it is, again, with the daughters carrying most of the burden.

I find myself terribly resentful, and then feel guilty for being resentful, because they're my parents and I should be willing to sacrifice for them.

It's not hookers and blow, but it's mildly amusing, although I was not cheered by learning that 80% of the nation's carrot market is controlled by two firms.

Marketing carrots as fast food: [link]