smonster, that sounds like a crappy situation. I hope the plan goes OK. It sounds very sensible.

Seska, threaten with media and loss of a customer.

I've told them I'm leaving - it's made no difference. I'm going to complain to their 'customer relations' dept (the dark pit into which complaints disappear and nothing emerges) and cc in the disability 'support' people (who can only be reached by fax, apparently)

The trouble is that such service is perfectly standard in this country. Lots of outsourcing to places where they think my nearest branch is Cardiff, lots of computer-generated responses (the Little Britain sketch 'computer says no' is exactly right), etc. We've approached a rival bank about setting up an account, and they're happy to handle it, but wouldn't give me an overdraft. I think this is because I don't have an income. The fact that I've never failed to pay off my overdraft in the twelve years I've been with my current bank apparently means nothing. They're happy to give me a credit card, of course. Like that's clever financial management for the woman with bipolar disorder who's practically innumerate.

I know customer service isn't that much better anywhere else, but I can't believe how sucky it's got over here in the past five years or so. It was never this bad before.

IbetterN, my confirmation class was fab this evening. Philosophical and theological head-spin zone. Great stuff.

Just be prepared, smonster. You may have your reasons, but anybody on the receiving end of being broken up with over the phone is going to feel very aggrieved.

I would be. I'd feel like anybody that had been intimate with me had a responsibility to stand in and tell it to me to my face. I would take that same responsibility.

It might be the right thing to do for you. But it's not really the right thing.

But I think your plan to hand him a letter and leave if you feel yourself weakening is better.

Also, you don't have to argue. If he says you aren't giving things a chance or aren't working to fix things, just agree with him. You aren't doing those things because you know that this is what's best for you.

If he says you aren't giving things a chance or aren't working to fix things, just agree with him. You aren't doing those things because you know that this is what's best for you.

This is true. You don't have to make a case. You just have to let him know you're making a choice. That's your prerogative.

I think you can let him know these exact things on the phone, in a letter or however works for you.

Hell, you've tried to do this in person and he doesn't seem to respect you enough to listen. People who don't respect you enough to listen to what you are saying in that exact moment no longer deserve that reciprocation. I don't care if they do feel aggrieved. Respect and listening is a two-way street.

Hell, you've tried to do this in person and he doesn't seem to respect you enough to listen. People who don't respect you enough to listen to what you are saying in that exact moment no longer deserve that reciprocation. I don't care if they do feel aggrieved. Respect and listening is a two-way street.

I wouldn't interpret his behavior that way. He's sad she's leaving and wants her to stay. So he's trying to persuade her. I don't see that as disrespectful.

I don't think it's okay to break up over the phone unless you have a fear of physical danger.

I think grown-ups that have intimate relationships have a responsibility to deal with the end of the relationship as well. It's part of intimacy, even if it's difficult and painful.

But, I'll reiterate what Scrappy notes. All she's got to do is say, "This is my choice. You're right I don't want to give it a chance and I don't want to work on it. I don't have that obligation." (And I would add, "But I do feel like I have an obligation to tell you that in person." Though obviously that's a subject of disagreement.)

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be contentious and I'm not taking his side.

I just think (a) if you have sex with person for a year you don't break up with them over the phone unless there's an issue of abuse or drugs or stealing or really damaging lies; and (b) it's not hard to be sympathetic with somebody who doesn't want to lose smonster. Nobody would want to lose smonster.

I think there are more shades of grey than you are allowing for Hec. I'd agree that it would be best Smonster can follow Scrappy's suggestion successfully. If she knows that won't work for her, then the choices are "break up over the phone"/"stay in a bad relationship". And I'd say if the choices really come down to that, "break up over the phone" is the lesser evil.

Stay strong, smonster.

I don't think it's okay to break up over the phone unless you have a fear of physical danger.

I'd say that depends on the value of that "okay". It gives the person broken up with something to complain about to his or her friends, but that's as far as I'd go. It's nicer to break up in person, sure, but nice is not necessarily what's called for.

As to smonster's plan specifically, I have no advice. Good luck, though, hon.