Normal and how great that y'all are talking about it. I love this:

Me: "So....we're on the same page, then. Keen."

Just sums everything up so well.

What they said. You're being realistic, which is good. And that probably means you'll be conscious of making sure each other has time and space to him/herself, which is also good.

I mean, my big fear is that he isn't afraid of making *me* hate *him*; he's afraid that *he'll* hate *me,* but he just doesn't want to say it.

While it seems natural to have that concern, I'll bet you don't have much objective evidence that it's even possible.

I guess it doesn't fall under the category of "hate me," but we had a Serious Conversation about whether we could live together, after we went on vacation (because vacation was a "test" of sorts), and he asked me a question that absolutely devastated me.

I really can't overstate that. I thought very seriously about breaking up with him for about a week because of it.

Those of you who are tired of my navel-gazing, just skip the rest of this post, and I apologize in advance for hijacking the thread.

During the Serious Conversation, after we had hashed out what seemed like all the important questions, he said, "Now I have to ask the hard question."

I had no clue what else it could possibly be, so I said, "Go ahead."

He paused for a long moment, and then asked, "Are you going to get bigger?"

Most of you know about my issues with my weight, and that it's the biggest (no pun intended), ugliest issue I have, and I may never resolve how *I* feel about myself for being fat.

So when the man I love asked me that, I just shut down. How does a person answer that? "Why, no; I can say with utter certainty that from this day forth I will not gain another ounce of weight no matter what my life circumstances."

Or possibly "Yes; I plan to gain about 150 pounds between now and the time I hit age 40."

How do you ASK someone that and expect any kind of rational answer?

How do you ask ME that, as someone who claims to love me, and NOT think it would devastate me?

Is that a condition on your love for me? You love me now, but if I gain weight, you won't love me anymore? Should I sign a contract? A 5-pound gain is acceptable, but anything above that and I get the heave-ho?

And you're saying that your love for me is contingent on my weight?

It's my whole childhood and all the bullshit with my mom all over again.

I shut down. What could I say to his question? t edit And by "shut down," I mean "sobbed uncontrollably for about 3 hours while he wouldn't leave my apartment and all I could say to him was 'I'm sorry....I'll do better,' while I couldn't even look at him and pretty much just wanted to die." *That* kind of "shut down."

We eventually talked through it, though I don't really know that I believe we "resolved" it. He said things about my health, and wanting me to be healthy and be able to do active stuff with him. I tried to educate him on the fact that someone can be totally healthy and active even if they're a big fat pig.

But now it's always there, and I can't get rid of it. What *if* I gain weight? Does holiday weight gain count? It's goddamn Christmas time -- everyone gains weight!

So...when he talks about being freaked out by the big scary enormity of living together, all I can think is that he's freaked out by the fact that he doesn't find me attractive and won't love me if I gain any more weight.

He's an amazing man; some of you have met him, and I know you didn't really spend enough time with him to get to know his amazingness, but -- the fact that he's so amazing makes it even worse.

He's the only person in my entire life who never asked me to change in order to be loved.

Except.

So, there's that.

And I may delete all this, because it has me on the verge of tears just typing it. I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone since it happened, because -- how do I have that conversation with my fat-obsessed mom? My workout-addicted, model-thin best friend? I can't. And besides, it's just downright embarassing to admit that my boyfriend asked me if I was going to get fatter.

I mean, *god.*

{{{Tep}}}. The hugs are there even if the post disappears.

{{{Tep}}} I don't think guys (or some guys) understand the huge amount of baggage that comes with that issue. There's so much cultural crap wrapped up in it that it's almost impossible to unpack.

Oh, sweetie, first of all, big hug. I know exactly what you're going through. Second, even the greatest guy (or girl) says stupid shit sometimes. Bad phrasing can be a killer.

Wow. I've been trying to think about what he must have been thinking, and give him the benefit of the doubt about it being concern for your health, etc., but there are about a thousand different ways to do that that don't involve the psychic repercussions of that question. Wow. Yeah, I got nothing. I'm sorry, Tep.

I don't think guys (or some guys) understand the huge amount of baggage that comes with that issue. There's so much cultural crap wrapped up in it that it's almost impossible to unpack.

And I get that, particularly when it comes to The Boy. In light of the fact that I've never ever known ANYONE who is so careful with my feelings (not in a walk-on-eggshells way; in a I-value-your-feelings-beyond-measure way), I *know* that he didn't know how I'd react.

He knew that I have huge issues about my weight, but it seems he didn't really grasp what I meant when I said "huge issues."

But still.

I feel like barfing, even talking about this.

I've been trying to think about what he must have been thinking, and give him the benefit of the doubt about it being concern for your health, etc., but there are about a thousand different ways to do that that don't involve the psychic repercussions of that question. Wow. Yeah, I got nothing.

Well, his ADD isn't an *excuse,* because a 40-year-old man can learn proper socialization. But it does explain it to a certain extent, because people with ADD can be really REALLY oblivious to emotional issues/cues.

But he never had been before. Or maybe I had always had secure enough psychic footing to talk through things with him when he was oblivious. I just have no psychic armor for the weight issue. I should, but I don't.

Oh wow, Tep! I can't even imagine. What the hell was he thinking????