Wow. I've been trying to think about what he must have been thinking, and give him the benefit of the doubt about it being concern for your health, etc., but there are about a thousand different ways to do that that don't involve the psychic repercussions of that question. Wow. Yeah, I got nothing. I'm sorry, Tep.

I don't think guys (or some guys) understand the huge amount of baggage that comes with that issue. There's so much cultural crap wrapped up in it that it's almost impossible to unpack.

And I get that, particularly when it comes to The Boy. In light of the fact that I've never ever known ANYONE who is so careful with my feelings (not in a walk-on-eggshells way; in a I-value-your-feelings-beyond-measure way), I *know* that he didn't know how I'd react.

He knew that I have huge issues about my weight, but it seems he didn't really grasp what I meant when I said "huge issues."

But still.

I feel like barfing, even talking about this.

I've been trying to think about what he must have been thinking, and give him the benefit of the doubt about it being concern for your health, etc., but there are about a thousand different ways to do that that don't involve the psychic repercussions of that question. Wow. Yeah, I got nothing.

Well, his ADD isn't an *excuse,* because a 40-year-old man can learn proper socialization. But it does explain it to a certain extent, because people with ADD can be really REALLY oblivious to emotional issues/cues.

But he never had been before. Or maybe I had always had secure enough psychic footing to talk through things with him when he was oblivious. I just have no psychic armor for the weight issue. I should, but I don't.

Oh wow, Tep! I can't even imagine. What the hell was he thinking????

Steph, a friend of mine went through this recently with her long-term boyfriend and came close to breaking up with him but they worked it out (after much groveling on his part). ... which doesn't provide any sort of answer for you but at least you know you're not alone.

Dudes are just dumbasses sometimes, I guess.

I mean you could ask him the same question. Not about weight but about something else you find attractive about him that you wouldn't if it went away.

I mean you could ask him the same question. Not about weight but about something else you find attractive about him that you wouldn't if it went away.

"Are you going to lose your hair?"

"Are you going to develop erectile dysfunction?"

"You don't know? Well, then I DON'T KNOW if I'm going to get bigger! Now hand me that Twinkie."

"You don't know? Well, then I DON'T KNOW if I'm going to get bigger! Now hand me that Twinkie."

EXACTLY!

{{{Tep}}} I don't think guys (or some guys) understand the huge amount of baggage that comes with that issue. There's so much cultural crap wrapped up in it that it's almost impossible to unpack.

What Dana said. I'm so sorry, Teppy, it was a shitty thing to say, concern or not.

I feel like barfing, even talking about this.

I can imagine. But maybe talking about it (once you move past barfy stage) will help in working it through. Because there's the painful situation, and then there's the shame about it happening. I think even lessening the shame aspect may help a little.

Tep, you have *nothing* to be ashamed about. He does- and I'm sure you've talked it through and all that. But the question was totally inapprorpiate and I'm sorry about the anxiety it's created for you.

I mean, god, I can't even imagine how I'd react if Tom said something like that. I'd die. I remember once I patted my stomach and said something about a "Buddha belly" and he teased me about a "butter belly," which kind of hurt in the moment. He felt horrible and shaved the goatee he'd been growing because he felt it made him "evil."

But it sucks. There's always something stupid that comes up in every relationship, and it sucks it was about weight, the one thing that is SO sensitive and loaded.

My romantic "dilemna" is that my town is too fucking small. So, this super cute guy who works at my local overpriced gourmet market who has been flirting with me for a couple of months gave me his number when I was in there last Sunday. I knew that he'd been roommates of a friend and I was talking to a mutual friend of that friend last night who told me the ex-roomate says the grocery store dude is a total stoner weirdo who gets freakishly excited about, of all things, Jeopardy. He never seemed like the brightest bulb on the tree but way to shatter any romantic notions I may have had.

It's making me kind of sad today.