God, it's not like we said, Allyson, bar your door, never speak to men again, NEVER THINK ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
eta: for fuck's sake.
I just didn't think being separated was such a huge red flag, for fuck's sake. Or for fuckless sake either.
That might have a lot to do with the fact that I was separated for such a long time.
But I will definitely argue that you have to risk the heartache to get romance, you have to be open to possibilities, and you have to take chances. It's not all-or-nothing, but often a matter of trying on a lot of in-between relationships until
you're
ready for something more serious. Most people need a lot of trial relationships before they're capable of maintaining a marriage commitment.
Why validate risklessness? It is worth the heartache.
Question about separation: Why does it take so long? I mean, it doesn't have to, but why do you encounter people who are definitely never going to reconcile but who have been separated for years without pulling the trigger?
Procrastination? Not having the time, energy, or money to deal with the final legal bits? Working out details of said final legal bits?
Why validate risklessness? It is worth the heartache.
Well, can be. But you have to be in a space where the heartache would be dealable, and if you're not, doesn't matter if he or she's the best possible person on the planet, it's still wrong place, wrong time.
Why validate risklessness? It is worth the heartache.
Who validated risklessness?
Unrelatedly, I love Helen Mirren.
Power and the fear of lack there of.
That's icky. PMM's reasons are not relationship red flags, but the power thing would make me squint.
It's all in how you rate the risk, isn't it? Or would you risk anything for romance? It's perfectly possible there are things Allyson thinks are within reason to risk that you don't. Or that she's just not as wacky as you are.
I don't think she's wacky, but I do think (from what she's said here) that she'd very much like a romantic relationship. But that's her business, and I don't presume to know how or why she makes her choices.
I just thought the advice was arguable.
From my perspective, if you are not willing to make an emotional risk then you won't reap the emotional benefit.
Question about separation: Why does it take so long? I mean, it doesn't have to, but why do you encounter people who are definitely never going to reconcile but who have been separated for years without pulling the trigger?
There were two factors in my long separation. The first was that I felt that I was at a disadvantage in a custody dispute over Emmett, and felt like the longer I had an established pattern of joint physical custody the easier it would be to make that case in court. The second was simply financial. It cost $7,000 for my divorce - when you've got a kid, you can't use a paralegal. Too much is at stake. And I didn't have it.
if you are not willing to make an emotional risk then you won't reap the emotional benefit.
Hec, you do understand that she's not being advised against taking
any
risks, but rather
this
one?
Hec, you do understand that she's not being advised against taking any risks, but rather this one?
The tone of the advice was definitely running down a red flag list. No neighbors, no separated etc. Those are pretty general and broad.
Also, Allyson stated that it wasn't worth the heartache, but I didn't think that she really had enough information to make that call this early in the game. There are a lot intermediary steps between "interested neighbor" and "potential boyfriend" or "definitely not." I did not see a commitment to due diligence, but an impulse to back away from interest.
no secret I lean puritanical on several fronts. I wouldn't think of someone more than friends with anyone still legally married. Of course there are a number of reasons why someone would not finalize a divorce, I just wouldn't date them, and I'd be uncomfortable if they made advances.
