It may be pricier than you were planning to go (generally in the $180-300 range for party dresses), but Watters has some totally gorgeous dresses in lickable colors all the way up to size 24. The women in my wedding party, ranging from a 2 to a 16 (maybe 18? can't remember), all wore Watters dresses and all looked extremely HOTT. They're not cheap dresses, but they're designed to fit actual female human bodies. And you can dance in them.

I am a sad, sad little dressy-dress pimp.

Shit. Must pound out cover letter. Fucking hate cover letters.

To Whom It May Concern:

You've got a math teaching job? What a coincidence! I'm a math teacher! I love math, I love teaching, and I want to work with kids who have at least a modicum of motivation. Hire me!

Love, Emily

But I'm clean! That's something, right?

It is. Now go get ready. We'll have Tom with us too.

Emily, I have no trouble at all writing cover letters; it's the objective statement on the actual resume that makes me throw up in my mouth. Trade you hateful tasks?

I hate apartment buildings who don't take pets. RUBY DOESNT PEE ON THE CARPET, PEOPLE.

You think it'll take me an hour and half to get ready?

...okay, yeah, you're right. I'll go pick out some clothes now.

JZ, what is it you want out of this job? Other than fulfillment, satisfaction, making a difference in this world, and being able to feed your child, husband, and step-record collection?

Emily, I friggin' love that faux cover letter. I wish you could actually submit it.

But I'm clean! That's something, right?

Totally!

I am on Spring Break this week! Woot! However, I have a crapload of things to do. I have finished my taxes, gone to the doctor, and gotten prescriptions filled. So, that's something.

Yesterday, I had planned on grading papers. That didn't happen. My doc gave me a vaccination that totally did me in and I ended up sleeping most of the day. And, today, my arm hurts.

Today, I have worked on my portfolio, but I haven't showered yet. I think that needs to happen next.

I'm done with making a difference in the world. I just want to be able to afford to feed my family and still go out for a pedicure more than a couple of times a year without being stabbinated by guilt. Just give me more money without breaking my back beneath the workload, and the fulfillment and satisfaction will take care of themselves.

I love this place and believe in its mission and have huge respect for (almost) everyone I work for and with, but the stupid, stupid fights with unions and the state Assembly budget office and internal budget wranglers and all the other million and one elements that have conspired to flatline almost all non-faculty salaries at UC for the past too many years have just sucked all the rosy idealism right out of me.

Here's the cover letter I aways want to send:

Read the fucking resume.

Sincerely, Me