You think it'll take me an hour and half to get ready?

...okay, yeah, you're right. I'll go pick out some clothes now.

JZ, what is it you want out of this job? Other than fulfillment, satisfaction, making a difference in this world, and being able to feed your child, husband, and step-record collection?

Emily, I friggin' love that faux cover letter. I wish you could actually submit it.

But I'm clean! That's something, right?

Totally!

I am on Spring Break this week! Woot! However, I have a crapload of things to do. I have finished my taxes, gone to the doctor, and gotten prescriptions filled. So, that's something.

Yesterday, I had planned on grading papers. That didn't happen. My doc gave me a vaccination that totally did me in and I ended up sleeping most of the day. And, today, my arm hurts.

Today, I have worked on my portfolio, but I haven't showered yet. I think that needs to happen next.

I'm done with making a difference in the world. I just want to be able to afford to feed my family and still go out for a pedicure more than a couple of times a year without being stabbinated by guilt. Just give me more money without breaking my back beneath the workload, and the fulfillment and satisfaction will take care of themselves.

I love this place and believe in its mission and have huge respect for (almost) everyone I work for and with, but the stupid, stupid fights with unions and the state Assembly budget office and internal budget wranglers and all the other million and one elements that have conspired to flatline almost all non-faculty salaries at UC for the past too many years have just sucked all the rosy idealism right out of me.

Here's the cover letter I aways want to send:

Read the fucking resume.

Sincerely, Me

So your objective is, really, a good salary with no drama?

"You don't want no drama, no no no no drama..."

"You don't want no drama, no no no no drama..."

That's right. Me and my lovely lady lumps.

I don't mind multitasking or self-supervising or handling difficult people or anything; I'm just kinda burned out on doing all that for never quite enough money to get by.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!

ION I'm perturbed about how difficult it is to find a bottle of seltzer. t /NYC Snob

ION I'm perturbed about how difficult it is to find a bottle of seltzer.

....

Where are you? If you're at your hotel, go to Coit Liquor on the other side of the park. They should have it.

ION I'm perturbed about how difficult it is to find a bottle of seltzer.

We have seltzer! It's called Calistoga! Or Perrier! Or uh the Italian one. Pelligrino!

And it's better than NY seltzer. You know why? It comes out of the ground. Like all the good things: zombies, diamonds, Buffy, artichokes.