Nutty:

My feelings on abortion are informed by my opinion that pregnancy is the non-sci-fi equivalent of being colonized by a chest-bursting parasite. Those who are into a little parasite action, whatev, do what you like, but I will go avoidy thankyewverymuch.

If babies could come out of jars, I wouldn't have an opinion about abortion, but as long as they don't, I reserve the right to defend my bodily borders from all invaders.

In Literary, on the question of deaths in the next Harry Potter book:

Topic!Cindy: Harry will die. That's my prediction, and I'm sticking to it.

Polter-Cow: What'll book seven be called? Harry Potter and the Hey, How's Being Dead, Twerp?

Betsy HP: Harry Potter and the Processes of Decay.

[This was written by our own Ellen S., and originally posted to [link] . It wasn't posted here, but linked here, by Nora. If I'm abusing COMM by re-posting this here, I will delete, but I'll be bitter about it. ]

October Surprise! [Post-Elopement Spin]
by Ellen Schmidt, Senior Elopement Analyst

The early post-wedding buzz was remarkably positive, considering that Tom and Nora had failed to appease their core constituencies with 'pork barrel' gift bags and wedding buffets. Congratulations poured in from across the globe, along with queries about whether the newlyweds were registered anywhere yet.

Nora was given points for acknowledging her Jezebel-like-state of pre-wedding cohabitation with a smouldering red wedding dress, with many people approving of her choice as showing a "candour not often seen in American Weddings these days". Dave Graznik, a retired machinist from Lynn, gave her points for looking "wicked hot", whereas women tended to focus more on the more traditional areas such as "beauty" and "shiny hair".

Pundits were generally surprised by the choice of Vermont. Nora and Tom are widely considered to have a lock on Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont. Though moving the nuptials to Utah or Alabama would likely have had no advantages, the consensus view is that they may have missed the chance to pick up a moderate swing state with many historical inns such as Pennsylvania.

Preliminary results show that their choice of a disposable camera played well with middle America, although the use of 'arty' Black & White counted against them. [ed note: I know it was wise of Tom and Nora to eschew using digital for the wedding, since they already have the digital-camera-user vote in their pocket; Signor Snappy and I know that if they're really going to win this battle, they may not yet be able to publicly acknowledge our pure and pixelated love.]

Garth Lwellentrope, Spokesman for SOIE* [*Stamping Out Inappropriateness Everywhere] complained that the caption "Slicey, slicey!" [http://www.rainoftoads.com/wedding/gallery.php?directory=blackandwhite&sequence=9] might be construed as offensive to those who have lost loved ones to crazed serial killers who made "body-suits" out of their remains.

Conservative pundits weighed in during a special Roundtable Discussion on Fox News. Although Ann Coulter was slated to make a appearance, she went quickly off-track with a spittle-flecked rant on the forced sterilization of liberals, and had to be tranqued and put back in her cage.

Bill O'Reilly began by giving Nora points for being 'cute' and 'Irish-sounding', but slammed Tom, saying that there was something "un-American - possibly French" about him. He then insisted on calling Tom "Monsieur Wareeen" and, more confusingly, "Pierre" for the rest of the evening.

Phyllis Schlafly, speaking via satellite, called Nora a 'godless hussy', adding, "Nice dress."

Tucker Carlson gave a boyish 'thumbs-up' to Tom's choice of a waistcoat, adding "Has he ever considered a bow tie?" Ralph Reed added that Tom's look of youthful happiness could be retained forever and ever and that "...if he would consider a career in conservative punditry, I would be happy to pass on the number of the wholesale supplier that Tuck and I use for virgin's blood and monkey glands".

A great deal of the discussion naturally focused on the charge made in The Drudge Report concerning the accuracy of the caption of a picture of Tom looking blissfully happy: "Dinner at the Fullerton Inn. Tom hasn't even touched his champagne yet!" The scandelmongering website claimed that "...if you magnify the picture 500X and reverse the polarity, there are obviously lip marks on the rim of the glass, indicating that the champagne has indeed been touched."

Daily Kos, after researching the secretion rate of lip oils and how swiftly inebriation can be attained from champagne, said that if there were indeed lip marks on the glass rim, they had been put there (either in person or using Photoshop) by Karl Rove.

A subsequent ad barrage by "Chester Inn Waiter for Truth" soon blanketed the swing states. Although the account was later widely discredited when it was revealed that the waiter in question turned out not to have been working the night of October 5th, had never been in the employ of the Fullerton Inn, and was in fact actually a dish-washer at the Stone Village B & B (also of Chester, VT), the damage was already done. Dan Rather said that he 'stood by his remark that Tom Warin was blissfully happy before imbibing champagne' and then curled up under his desk, sobbing quietly.

Drudge also took issue with the caption "Nora is really very shy."

Already garnering positive reviews is "Tour of Booty: The Elopement of Nora McGunnigle and Tom Warin" by Dugless Brinkly, chronicling the brave and cost-effective journey. His initial plan to retrace the most probable route of the elopement, taking the Massachusetts Turnpike west to where it met Route 101a. was thwarted when, in a fit of gonzo journalism, he ate a full meal at a Roy Rogers while at a rest area. After being nursed back to health by a beautiful vending-maching repairwoman, he decided to settle with her outside Fitchburg, and thus ended up writing a fictionalized meditation on the elopement instead fact-based account he'd intended. The interwoven historical subplot involving Minutemen during the American Revolution, their terrible stomach troubles and quest for freedom, confused many critics who had not been aware that Roy Rogers had a strong regional presence in 18th century New England.

[cont'd]

[cont'd from above--shrift, is it possible to keep it all on one page in the RBQG?]

John Kerry called it "The Right Wedding at the Right Time", conceding that even though the actual wedding planning was unilateral, Nora and Tom had taken the time to build widespread and wholehearted support by announcing their engagement to key domestic allies. He added "I would be proud to shake this man's hand and french this woman. Did I say french? I meant Freedom-Tongue."

It is unclear what effect this marriage will have on the ratification of the Kyoto Protocol.

From natter:

ita: Gotta be decomposition, right?

Gudanov: You might be turning into a Zombie. If you start getting an urge to feast on the flesh and brains of the living, first pay a visit to some FOX network executives, then see a doctor and get a prescription for Pfizer's topical ointment Zombie-B-Gone(tm). If it's too expensive to get here, you might need to go to Canada to get some, although the Canadians are getting stricter about allowing the undead across the border so expect some paperwork.

shrift in Natter on the misuse of quotes:

Terminal stupidity and egregious hand-holding may cause me to dislike you, but lady, I'm telling you, put down the scare quotes and back away before I visit a "pet store" to buy a 9mm "bunny".

Cindy, in Bitches:

Dear Naked Women,

Please stay away from the felines.

Thanks,
My Breasts

Aimée: Ok, one more thing for Maria and then I'll shut my gratuitous yap - if you happen to have a bridesmaid or other wedding party member not knowledgeable in the workings of the catholic church, give them a crash course on things like how to cross yourself so she doesn't do it wrong in front of God and everybody whilst standing infront of the church only to have her husband remind her that it's Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.

billytea: Unless you keep your wallet in your back pocket. Then you'll find yourself doing the Macarena.

Aimee Gives Wedding Advice: If you happen to have a bridesmaid or other wedding party member not knowledgeable in the workings of the catholic church, give them a crash course on things like how to cross yourself so she doesn't do it wrong in front of God and everybody whilst standing infront of the church only to have her husband remind her that it's Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.

ARugh. 4 seconds. Curse you, wee Trudy.