I woke up this morning with the desire to tell you that "Namaste, motherfucker" may just be the funniest two words I've read all year. That is all.

I keep imagining that spoken by John Sinclair.

askye in Natter:

I've decided what I really really want for Christmas is a gorilla army trained by Miracleman.

Except not a whole army because I don't want to take over the world. Just a handful or so I can take to rampage through Disney World.

Hard to believe this hasn’t been posted yet:

Sue: I got my Christmas Tree last night! Due to the Kitten Factor, it is decorated only with some ribbon, garland, and a few papier mache ornaments and some white lights. It is also tied to the wall in two places. … I think this year's Christmas Miracle will be that my tree remains standing for the next month.

Am-Chau Yarkona: We could try sending it Buffista 'upright' vibes.
On edit: could that be any more porny?

DX Machina: We could send Sue's tree 'erect' vibes, I suppose.

Katefate: Tying it to the wall is kinda porny, too. The cuteness factor of the kitten climbing it trumps the porn, though.

Theodosia: Is that a Christmas Tree or are you just glad to see us?

Am-Chau: Note to self: never tell a Buffista that they can't get pornier. You'll probably end up tied to a wall with someone kneeling in from to you, inventing new uses for that porniest of fruits, the banana.

Cindy: I am not awake enough for the Christmas tree porn. Not sure I ever will be.

Am-Chau: Let me help wake you up, Cindy....

From her box on the floor, the Christmas Tree fairy looked up at her lover's tall trunk. What fun she would have when she climbed up there, to sit atop his tall manliness and....

Okay, okay. I'll stop.

Steph L.:

Note to self: never tell a Buffista that they can't get pornier. You'll probably end up tied to a wall with someone kneeling in from to you, inventing new uses for that porniest of fruits, the banana

Oh, God. I wish...

Katefate: I know, Steph! And the kneeling Buffista changes, every time I think it.

Sue: Not only is the tree erect and tied to the wall, but it's being held in the stand by thumbscrews and it's bound by alternating bits of garland and ribbon.

Yes, we can fetishize Xmas!

Katefate: Oh yeah.... *closes office door*

Am-Chau: And there was a kitten as well. I vote we call this the 'Clem fetish'.

Theodosia: "On the first day of Xmas, my Buffista gave to me a kitten in a bondage Christmas tree...."

Steph L.: Are there lights? I bet there are lights. C'mon, tell me about the lights... Are they blinking? Are they hot? Are they plugged IN?

Theodosia: Xmas Trees: Hot AND Blinking!

Am-Chau: Oh- fairy lights. Oooo. Yes, baby, tell us about the fairy lights.

Sue: There are about 60 tiny white hot lights on a cord which is wrapped around the tree. They're hot. They'll burn.

When they get plugged in there's a sudden surge of electricity that goes up and down the tree.

Theodosia: I'm feeling up my Christmas Tree right now!

Jess Pmoon: I love the smell of Christmas tree porn in the morning.

John: I figure the Philipina housemaids will get down to stuff like "Boogie Oogie Oogie" by A Taste Of Honey with nostalgic glee, but my friends will get down ironically to the same songs.

Betsy: This I have to see. What, they're waving finger quotes as they boogie?

--------------------

John: This is reminding me of the time I was walking through the Queen Victoria Building with my old friend Jennifer, (the day we got drunk at lunchtime and went around to the Information Desks of all the big department stores and asked them "What's the capital of Brazil?") and I asked her "You know how people say, in dance songs 'wave your hands in the air like you just don't care'? How is that exactly? Could you do it for me, once with caring and once without?".

And she did. And it made sense to me. But it frightened some German tourists.

Kat: Classic Southern California Holiday image:

I drove back from the Christmas tree lot, with the top of the red Miata down. The tree was strapped into (with the seat belt!) the passenger seat.

connie neil:

I have no problem with Bill Gates reading my smut. Maybe he'll get some fashion tips.

Betsy in Firefly (probably general enough not to be a spoiler, but why take chances?):

I'm afraid I can never look at Inara greeting a client without thinking "Hah!You fool! You may think you get nookie, but actually you have to suffer through Celestial Seasonings! Next time, pick a less full-service provider!"

Also Betsy in Firefly:

So when do we start the Zoe's Bitch thread? Because I would totally tear the pages out of a book at her command.