msbelle, describing "awaiting a lover." "Maidenhair fern is ruled by Venus. Set some fronds adrift in your bath to work green magic."

Jessee: Dammit -- THAT's what I've been doing wrong all these years?!?! I've been bathing with fiddleheads!!

Steph L: Before a big storm, *I'd* be stocking up on beer and oreos, myself.

Teppy had me in pain with this one:

At my college, St. Patrick's Day always fell during Spring Break. So the bars uptown started Green Beer Day on the Thursday before St. Patrick's Day. The bars opened at 5 a.m., and people would wait in line at 4 a.m.

I have NEVER gotten out of bed at 4 a.m. before or since. And I have NEVER been drunk by 6 a.m. before or since. I took an exam at 11:00 that morning, and I was still drunk. I remember seeing people from my class in the first bar at 5 a.m., and yelling across the bar, "Did you study???" And the classmate just held up a notebook. Heh.

My prof. told us, as he was passing out the exams, "I assume all of you are drunk. You know I'm not going to give you a break on this." And I piped up with "I'm going to ACE this exam, Dennis! I guarantee it."

I did, too. Which says something scary about my test-taking skills.

I hate every single one of the people driving SUVs who tailgated me on the way to work.

Heh. I was SUCH a bitch on the way to work this morning. At a merge in the highway, I started to get over to the left, b/c the left lane was empty, and I could continue driving like a bat out of hell. Tiny Sports Car in front of me decided to get over in front of me before I could accelerate. I slammed on my brakes, wished yet again that I had Dark!Willow's powers, and cut back over to the right lane.

Then the left lane backed up. Right on! So I sped up and got over into the left lane, in front of the backup. Somehow Tiny Sports Car did the same -- I assume he ducked into the right lane and got around the backup.

He got behind me, and tailgated me. At 80 mph. So I cleaned my windshield. Heh heh heh. It SUCKS to be doing 80 and have the car in front of you clean its windshield.

Just an FYI if anyone wants to be a jackass in traffic any time soon.

Our Steph was cookin' with gas today:

Theodosia: How much do au pairs cost again? Could I get one for my cats?

Steph L.: I'll do it, Theo. I charge $50,000 a year, but included in that price is the knowledge that your Kitty Au Pair loves the Jossverse.

• ****

Jacqueline Zahas:

And, lastly, random idiot-phone-person gripe: Phone rings. I pick up and say, "Doctor UnusualLastName's office," and the person on the other end says, "Ah, oh, err, hello. I'm calling from San Francisco General Hospital, and I'm trying to find a way to get in touch with a doctor by the name of UnusualLastName. Could you possibly help me?"

What is this? Some sort of nuance of phone etiquette I'm too coarse and uncouth to comprehend? Has Emily Post declared "Hi, I'm from SFGH. Is Doctor ULN available?" unbearably vulgar? Or, possibly, is this person overly cautious from having been lied to once too many times? Does she have a history of calling, say, laundromats and pizza joints that just pretended to be the very offices of the very people she was looking for (and so slyly that they gave their false names before she even spoke), and she lives in mortal fear of the entire phone universe as a great big web of deceit? What?

It's obviously a very, very petty first-world miniscule kind of problem, but it's mightily irritating, and over the past six months the number of calls like this has increased exponentially, which is what makes me feel like maybe I'm missing some big cultural shift that everyone is in on but me.

Trudy, in Bitches

If the Iraqis really want to hide arms from our crackerjack intelligence community they'd be better off going down Big Honkin' Missile Silo Boulevard to Slaughter the Kurds Street, dropping the suckers (gently) in Nah Nah George Bush We Hate Your Daddy And You Too Square AND FINDING A SAUDI PRINCESS TO SIT THERE WITH A "NO WEAPONS HERE" SIGN.

From Natter 4, Erin G. and ita

Hey, all. I'm not dead or anything. Just black.

You'd be surprised how many times I say that, myself.

connie neil:

"I'm a Spike's Bitch, and I'm OK. I fic all night and I oost all day."

Elena:

And, oddly, you wear women's clothing and hang around in bars.

connie neil :

Do not!

... oh, wait, yeah, I do.

BHP, on the deviant behavior of a pet rabbit:

Buffista 1: Butterscotch Bunny was *hot!*

Buffista 2: Are you kidding? I can never respect him again.

Buffista 3: BB would never do that. You're making it up.

Buffista 2: Butterscotch Bunny should be neutered NOW.

Buffista 1: Okay, but it was hot up until he dunked her head in the water dish.

Nutty:

I have no textual basis for this being true, but I like to think it's an elegant fanwank.

Jen:

I can't imagine you wanking in anything but an elegant fashion

Hil sets 'er up, and Betsy knocks 'em down:

Hil: Proper YIVO Yiddish says "yarmlke."

Betsy Hanes Perry: YIVO?

Now I'm imagining a digital recorder saying "Nu, you're watching that naked vampire again? Your mother would die."