'First Date'
Where the Buffistas let their fanfic creative juices flow. May contain erotica.
I was worried that it had too much dialogue but I couldn't bear to cut any of it out.
I like where the story and plot are going, and I love the Cordy and Wes.Is the first part a nice way of saying that it's predictable? Too obvious? Because I'm feeling that the last line Angel asks Cordy about dreams was a bit of, "Here's where this is headed and I'm knocking you over the head with it."
Should I just end that part with Cordy's line "Does it effect me?"?
Affect. Sorry.
t /pedant
Nicole, nope - not predictable. I do think - don't hit me - that you haven't got Angel's voice down quite right; I couldn't wrap his tongue around a few of his lines.
"Does it effect me?"
Affect. "A" for the action, "E" for the result. Verb and noun. Signed, woman who still occasionally transposes those two things herself.
One thing, and one thing only, that I'd change in Cordy's dialogue: from one designer shoe junkie to another, she wouldn't be demanding her Prada shoe. She'd be demanding her Prada. Same if it was Jimmy Choo heels, or Fluevogs, or Doc Martens: she wouldn't specify the shoe. If she's hopping around in one shoe, or she's barefoot, we're shown what she's after, rather than told in her demand to Phantom!Dennis.
I do think - don't hit me - that you haven't got Angel's voice down quite right; I couldn't wrap his tongue around a few of his lines.
No no no! That's exactly what I want to know. And deborah, you were one of the people that I really wanted feedback from so of course I wouldn't hit you. I decided before posting it that if certain people didn't make a comment on the story - because they either couldn't stand it or had nothing nice to say - that I would discontinue the writing thing. A least until I took classes or looked at a dictionary again.
Huge thanks to everyone that did read it and comment on it. I take no offense at criticism. Even smonster with her Affect obsession. *g*
I was worried that it had too much dialogue
t blink blink that's possible?
Wrod...was just wondering the same.
Wrod...was just wondering the same.Well, since I haven't read much buffyfic (or others) I wasn't sure how much back story or description about what the characters looked like I should include, therefore making the dialogue stand out to me.
In regards to Angel's dialogue, I had to re-watch parts of Season One Angel to try to get a feel for him (back when he used to smile and laugh more often even when a baby wasn't in the scene) and it didn't work. For some reason I can't hear what I think he would say in my head.
Any suggestions? (Like that's an easy question.)
Hmmm, I don't have a good handle on him, either. Watch a lot of episodes. Does he remind you of anyone? Go with it if he does.
I think the other characters sound pretty strong - especially since I didn't give Anya much to say. It must just be a thing with Exceptionally Old and Been on the Earth Longer Than Anyone I've Ever Met characters.
Uh huh...that is a problem. My Spike voice is only good for a sentence and a half at a time. Very sad.