Coming in late, but yes, change the object of the second sentence from amorphous "they" to specific "the army" and it's fine. Only other comment I have is the two sets of hyphens that close to each other - stable-turned-hospital" and "half-empty" - was a bit visually offputting.
Angel: Yeah, I never told anyone about this, but I-I liked your poems. Spike: You like Barry Manilow.
'Hell Bound'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 5:58:48 am PDT #6482 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 2:48:48 pm PDT #6483 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
Tim gave the okay on his essay. My relief, it is great. Shoulder to wheel.
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 2:49:53 pm PDT #6484 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
WOOT!
Beverly - Sep 09, 2004 3:15:58 pm PDT #6485 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Yesss!
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 3:24:42 pm PDT #6486 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
insent both. I think this is the last of the "short enough to ask for a beta reader" essays for a long while. I appreciated all the help so much!
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 3:37:19 pm PDT #6487 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Allyson, backsent, with a second look to follow later tonight.
I've got writers group tonight. Usually a pleasure. Tonight, I'm about as antisocial as I've ever been. Not looking forward to smalltalk over pasta this evening, at all.
Beverly - Sep 09, 2004 3:38:24 pm PDT #6488 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Back to you, Allyson.
Polter-Cow - Sep 09, 2004 4:58:14 pm PDT #6489 of 10001
What else besides ramen can you scoop? YOU CAN SCOOP THIS WORLD FROM DARKNESS!
If you need another reader, I'm here.
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 6:17:37 pm PDT #6490 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
insent, P-C. Thanks deb and Beverly.
Pix - Sep 09, 2004 6:21:31 pm PDT #6491 of 10001
The status is NOT quo.
Also available for a beta read, if needed.