Okay, I'm glad ita didn't get it either. I thought that was something I should have known about, but yeah, if you assume the reader understands that, you're, uh, wrong.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!
Xander ,'Dirty Girls'
The Great Write Way
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Polter-Cow - Sep 08, 2004 9:27:07 pm PDT #6478 of 10001
What else besides ramen can you scoop? YOU CAN SCOOP THIS WORLD FROM DARKNESS!
Susan W. - Sep 08, 2004 9:27:42 pm PDT #6479 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
Hmm. Maybe I should change it to something like, "The army had seen little action lately, and summer rarely was as sickly a season as the cold, wet winters, so the stable-turned-hospital was half empty."
Polter-Cow - Sep 08, 2004 9:36:15 pm PDT #6480 of 10001
What else besides ramen can you scoop? YOU CAN SCOOP THIS WORLD FROM DARKNESS!
I like the short stable-turned-hospital sentence. Perhaps "The stable-turned-hospital was small and half-empty. They had seen little action of late, and summer was rarely as sickly a season as the cold, wet winters."
And if the reader can't connect a less sickly season with fewer soldiers being sick...than they shouldn't be reading your book.
Susan W. - Sep 08, 2004 9:47:13 pm PDT #6481 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
That works. Thanks, P-C and ita. It's often hard to see why something isn't working, because it all makes such perfect sense in my head.
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 5:58:48 am PDT #6482 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Coming in late, but yes, change the object of the second sentence from amorphous "they" to specific "the army" and it's fine. Only other comment I have is the two sets of hyphens that close to each other - stable-turned-hospital" and "half-empty" - was a bit visually offputting.
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 2:48:48 pm PDT #6483 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
Tim gave the okay on his essay. My relief, it is great. Shoulder to wheel.
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 2:49:53 pm PDT #6484 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
WOOT!
Beverly - Sep 09, 2004 3:15:58 pm PDT #6485 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Yesss!
Allyson - Sep 09, 2004 3:24:42 pm PDT #6486 of 10001
Wait, is this real-world child support, where the money goes to buy food for the kids, or MRA fantasyland child support where the women just buy Ferraris and cocaine? -Jessica
insent both. I think this is the last of the "short enough to ask for a beta reader" essays for a long while. I appreciated all the help so much!
deborah grabien - Sep 09, 2004 3:37:19 pm PDT #6487 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Allyson, backsent, with a second look to follow later tonight.
I've got writers group tonight. Usually a pleasure. Tonight, I'm about as antisocial as I've ever been. Not looking forward to smalltalk over pasta this evening, at all.