to stop feeling that whole puberty "Nobody understands me...I don't belong," thing

Werd.

One of the interesting things as I get older is finding out just how many people feel this way. People I admire and think are great with people and on top of the world...

Spidra, your post was just right.

I gave up the whole trying-to-have-a-positive-outlook thing. I'm clinically depressed and taking drugs for it. I embrace my glass-is-half-empty attitude and the people who like me just laugh at me for it.

It ain't gonna get better so I stopped fighting it. I act grumpy and snarky when I can get away with it and pretend to be a nicer person than I am when I have to.

I'm clinically depressed as well. But I keep making it worse with the way I look at things. So I'm trying to learn how to change that. Not to fake things or pretend to be someone I'm not, but to look at things logically and reality check myself on my assumptions. 'Cause my assumptions are often wrong or wrong-headed. And "desire is suffering", man.

That's cool that your friends are supportive of you that way. That's really important.

All I can say about depression is thank heavens for drugs. It doesn't fix everything, but it makes it more bearable. This year could have been a lot worse without them, and I honestly think I wouldn't have gotten my promotion at work without them because I find myself a lot more effective at work. Only, by the time I get home most of the oomph has worn off and my house is worse off, now. That's my goal this coming year, to get my act together both at work and at home.

Deena, I got your lovely bookmark. Thank you! Also, thanks to AmyLiz, Katie Bee and aurelia for their lovely greetings, too! I'm a card slacker this year. I might get around to sending out some cards this weekend. I found some lovely "seasonal" cards that I felt suited the renewal of the year in a way everyone could enjoy and I do want to share them. Only I misplaced the list of addresses I had from last year, so I'm not sure how many folks are actually going to get cards this year! If you would definitely like one, e my profile addie with your snail mail and I'll send one out!

Speaking of depression... you know, I think I'm actually doing better. I'm not about to stop taking my drugs (I've made that mistake before), but changing my circumstances (because I was lucky enough to have had that option) has also made a huge difference. So I thought I'd throw in a bit of "Hey, this year has been better in some ways than others I've had."

On the other hand, a relative and an old friend died, my uncle had a heart attack, and my stepfather had a brain bleed. So there's definitely room for improvement.

God, I hope going into education doesn't turn out to be a huge mistake. So, yeah, 2006? Don't let facing actual students destroy me too utterly, okay?

Emily, the students are what will sustain you. Truly. And you are going to be an amazing teacher.

Well 2005 was a whirl of activity. So what’s new? The pace of life is overwhelming much of the time.

Brendon Jr. had a rough time at the beginning of the year with painful growing pains, but he hasn’t complained recently. Phew. He’s a big teddy bear like his dad. The girls are slipping him notes, but he isn’t interested much. Next year high school. Bobby has serious attention deficit problems in school. He gets detention notices all the time, but I ignore them. I have pointed out to his teachers that clearly detention doesn’t make him do his work. It’s an ongoing battle. He’s a loving, charming child and a very social creature. Next year middle school. My objective has been to keep communication open with them and create a home environment where they and their friends are comfortable being themselves. Life is all about sports for them. In between sports they devour books and play video games. I attempt to widen their horizons a bit. Our issues aren’t any bigger than I would expect at this point. I’m a relaxed parent with very few hard rules. Those I won’t budge on and they know it. No cursing, no violence, no kids in the house without parents. Their rooms are pig sties, but it isn’t a battle I pick. They pick up stuff when they run out of clothes or if we have guests that stay over. They sure weren’t kidding when they said parenting is the hardest job a person will ever tackle. But I think we’ll survive it most of the time.

In 2005 I tried about a half dozen different diet plans. I did hypnosis, acupuncture, low carb, low fat, fasting. Ugh. I weight the same as I did last year at this time. It bothers me more than anyone knows. No doubt I will try another half dozen things in 2006. My husband thinks I should consider marathons again. The training forces the body to use a whole lot of calories and it would appear that I’m not solving the problem on the food side, so exercise will have to be the next plan. (part of the reason he built me a gym) Wish me luck.

Much of the big activity this year was on the business side. I sold some land and poured a huge chunk of change in my business. Hired some more people, rented office space, and other stuff. It’s scary to sink so much into it, but after 17 years it was either expand or sell it all and do something else. Something had to change. The financial stuff is mighty tense at times, debt beyond my wildest dreams and all that. The only thing that gets me through the rough is thinking worse case scenario. If it all falls apart I’ll sell everything, live on a boat, and go back to school. Having a pretty vision for worse case helps. Then I go back to working long hard hours.

Hurricane Wilma was another rude reminder that we don’t exactly live in paradise. We came through the storm with minimal loss and certainly did a whole lot better than our neighbors on the gulf coast and many on this coast. We’ll be that much more prepared next year. We bought a place in the Adirondacks that we call our hurricane shelter, so options.

It was personally unsettling when 2 couples that I thought were solid fell apart. One couple after 19 years and 4 kids, another after 15 years and 2 children. Never saw it coming. Brendon felt my sorrow and made an effort to reassure me that this wasn’t in our future. Who knew he had any insight into my fears?

We were healthy enough, but had some serious health scares close to home. MIL is still having treatment for her uterine cancer, and my next door neighbor is in serious condition from melanoma. Scary shit.

It would be ever so nice if 2006 would grant abundant health, wealth, and love for those I hold dear. I’m talking about Buffistas here! A big change in the political landscape would be most welcome. For me, I’d like a little peace. Some time to read, relax, enjoy life. Peace in 2006. I’m willing to share it with the rest of humanity.

huh, had to edit for a silly single period.

In 2005, Ellie was born and Joe came home. Both were huge for me and I can't say thank you enough to all the people (both in person, in prayer and online) who helped me and supported me through all that.

Ellie is such a complete joy. Yes, she takes a lot of energy and I worry a lot, but I enjoy her so much. Very occasionally, I resent the never-endingness of motherhood, but mostly I love it. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her. Words fail.

At the same time, 2005 has been such a difficult year. I spent the first half of the year pregnant and alone. I spent the last third of the year trying to adjust to life with a husband home from a war and a new baby. There are things Joe and I need to work on. We spent an entire year learning to survive and be okay being apart. Now we are trying to reverse the process and learn to depend on each other. It's harder than I would have thought. Still, I know he loves me and is committed to us. I know he loves Ellie. In fact, watching him fall in love with her since he came home has been one of the most special things I have ever seen. She loves her daddy. He may be a complete failure at diaper changing but I don't worry anymore how he feels about her. And that's okay with me (about the diapers). I thought I would mind that I do the vast majority of the babywork but the truth is that Joe works 12+ hours a day. He does a lot too. I think we have a good balance. It's not perfect but life never is.

My hope for 2006 is that Joe and I will have more opportunities to spend time together. I used to worry a lot that the war and accompanying separation had drawn us too far apart. I think now that most of what has gone on is pretty normal, new baby stuff. Normal is reassuring to me.

I'm hoping to find a job in Puerto Rico in 2006 - something that is fun, challenging, allows me to use all this legal knowledge in my brain, and pays enough to cover childcare and student loans. I'm excited we will be moving, although I will miss the friends I have made in NC.

eta: Oh, and I passed the bar exam in 2005!

2005 was a year of positive change for me, although I don't know that I have used that change in the best ways possible yet.

In June I moved to a new apartment, got a cat, and (most wonderfully) got a new, non-soul-sucking job!

I think it has taken, however, most of 2005 to get over the last-soul-sucking job, or rather the evil soul-sucking woman who was my boss. I am also in a financial hole that I can't really see my way out of without drastically cutting my spending,and shopping is one of my most favorite activities!

But I like my new job-- it is just the right blend of needing to work hard and not really needing to care-- so I can concentrate on theatre. And I love the kitty and the apartment.

So I hope 2006 is great to all Buffistas, and that life continues to go well for me!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks so much to Laura for the chalk-outline beach towel. We had a big laugh. Mom said "Somebody who knows you well?"