By the way, Hec, lovely picture of your poker-playing buddy and his poker-playing girlfriend in todays USA Today.

Let me see...

Dear [Asshatted Fuckstick]

Thank you for your interest in the trueness of my moral compass and the disposition of my Eternal Soul. Your attention and concern truly touched me and warmed the cockles of my heart.

Let me, however, point out a few things to you.

We are granted a certain amount of privacy in our lives under the Constitution of the United States of America. You may have heard of this document; people like you have been attempting to warp and subvert its intent and meaning and generally wipe your over-tight asses on it for decades. This right, granted to me by our adored forefathers...the same forefathers ignorant cow-fuckers like yourself routinely invoke to bolster whatever idiotic, half-informed opinion you cook up in your addled pates regarding How America Should Work (And Probably Be A Purely White Nation To Boot)...means that I can expect that what I do in my own time will have no bearing whatsoever on the security of my job so long as what I do in my free time does not directly impact the performance of my duties.

Are you following me so far?

Excellent.

In my (not so humble, well-informed and well-educated) opinion, it is people like you...nosy, uptight "crusader" types...who are endangering not only America, the land you claim to love so much, yet so patently don't understand, but the entire world. You, dear [Asshatted Fuckstick] are, in fact, a terrorist.

Yes, I said "terrorist".

With your threat to "inform my employers" regarding my choice of clothing worn outside the bounds of my work, you sought to terrorize, to instill fear, so that I would fall into line with your thinking of what is "right". These are the acts of terrorists and militant fundamentalists like the Taliban.

So, I encourage you to contact my employers and inform them of my choice of dress in my private time. I will, in turn, report you to the Department of Homeland Security.

Let's see how you like having *your* freedom limited.

Sincerely,

A Finer Human Being Than You.

P.S. Neener neener fucking neener.

Ahh, let me try...

Dear Loony Crack-Addled Prig,

As you seem to be wearing your asshole as a tiny yet cunning little hat at the tip of your pinhead, it is difficult to choose which aspect of your personality I find least charming. The fact that you are plainly an idiot is forgiveable. I am not privy to the details of your upbringing and it is entirely possible that you were dropped on your head at regular intervals. Perhaps your mother imbibed imperial gallons of Rye from a lead goblet.

It is inexcusable, however, that you wrap your petty and self-righteous prattle in such a gummy wad of poor writing. You're not just a mean little rectal itch - you're somebody who'd shame her own teachers.

Looking forward to meeting you at the wedding. You'll be the person with your head in the punchbowl. I'll be the one yelling, "Spell "turpitude" now, Bitch!"

ta ever so!

Note to self: Try not to piss off MiracleMan. Also, the next time somebody pisses me off, MM will get their address.

Wow, what a day. I'm glad to hear none of the Buffista family/friends/acquaintances were hurt in the London bombings.

Erin, that was an awesome reply to the fuckhead. In my heart, though, I sent her Fay's version (as I can't not use invective when someone pisses me off that much.)

I applaud all the invective. Anne's cool sneer, Betsy's tartness, Fay's slowly unraveling crusty Brittitude, Hec's flight of venemous fancy, MM calling her a terrorist and backing it up with a well-reasoned argument she hasn't got a hope in hell of comprehending, and the white-hot yet obscenity-free righteous fury bolt Erin did in fact send. I just applaud it all.

ION, the boots arrived, and they're AWESOME.

IOON, I just got back from a follow-up visit to the allergist, where she gave me the unsavory gift of one of the nastiest statistics in the history of human repose: Say you buy a new pillow. Brand-new, never before used. By the time it's two years old, fully 10% of its weight consists of dust mites and dust mite feces. I have to go home now and laminate my entire building.

WHY do people share factoids like that, JZ? Why? In high school, I went through about a year of being about one neuron from Lady Macbeth anyway. It's just easier on me to not think of those things.

Dear Madam,

You suck. I do not. Well, I do, but it doesn't make me any less of a teacher, so suck it.

Love,
Ms. Slutgear

I still think the most efficacious reply to crazy cousin would have been

Dear craxy cousin,

EAT IT!!!!!1!

yrs, etc.

erika, I think she shared it with me because I was starting to look faint at the thought of the cost of all the mattress and box spring and pillow covers, and she wanted to frighten me out of my thriftiness before I cheap-assed myself into full-blown asthma. It worked, too.