Which reminds me--one of my critique partners wants me to move the phrase "Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland" to the very end of the opening paragraph, and I think it's a great idea, but I can't for the life of me think of a way to do it that's not awkward.

If you can find a way, I think maybe you should consider it. I found the first paragraph more of a problem than one with the screaming. I'm not sure why.

On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland as she rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons and breathed the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet.

You could be intentionally repetitive, to sort of make the reader feel the oppression of the weather and conditions, maybe like this: She rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons. She breathed the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet. She suffered the hottest summer's day* she could remember, since coming to the Peninsula. Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland.

In the way I've suggested above, I think it might need one more sentence before the "Anna Arrington dreamed..." one, but I don't know what.

* Do you need "summer's" in there, to orient the reader to the setting, or as a cue for something later?

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Now I'm starting to understand why entering these writing contests can turn into a distraction. Because now I'm obsessing over contradictory comments--not that anyone here is contradicting each other, but some of you are contradicting things I heard from beta readers--and spending far too much time editing something I've already edited half a dozen times, rather than just giving it a quick proof, printing it out in the contest's chosen format, sticking it in the mail, and getting back to work on actually finishing the damn book.

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(Which is not to say I'm not grateful for the help/suggestions, because I am. Just that I'm beating myself a bit with a clue-by-four for overdoing it, especially when I know darn well it's not my raw writing ability that's kept me from finaling in the past. I miss on storytelling elements, not on the way I string words together.)

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(OK, it *is* clear that y'all offer great feedback and wonderful advice, right, and I'm the one with the problem for getting my writing priorities all out of order? Because I'm feeling like an ass, especially given that I've taken several of your suggestions. It's just that I realized I was getting way too obsessed over the whole thing.)

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On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons, breathing the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet, and dreamed of Scotland. (edit: or, ...marching feet, and dreaming of Scotland.)

In point of fact, even the word "summer" probably isn't needed; I'd let the following pages set the full scene, and in fact, the "as hot a day" shows us, rather than telling us. But again, that's for the bigger picture, not as an excerpt.)

As to the scream and the Spanish exclamation, I'm not sure why either the vocalisation or the exclamation is needed there. She's startled back to the realities of her situation by a scream, coming very closeby. Does the Aiee or the exclamation lead to something? I mean, does she find out who this woman is, become friends with her? If we never actually see the screamer after this, I'd keep it simple.

edit some more: your two posts popped in as I was posting this one. If there's a specific element that you think is necessary for contest submission, ignore the above. I don't know how these contests work, so I was addressing it as fiction, rather than as a excerpt.

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Why not just:

A nearby woman’s scream startled Anna back to Spain and the marching army.

I say that as a person who never thinks of things in yards.

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FWIW, the scream most definitely leads to something, and the screamer is a fairly major secondary character.

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I think Ginger's suggestion is FG.

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Heh. My marching band roots are showing. I think in yards all the time.

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I also think in distances, for sound; musician's roots, likely.

If the screamer's important, that's a whole nother ball of wax.

But I like Ginger's suggestion for somehow shortening and simplifying it. If I understand this contest thing properly, you're only sending them a bit, right? So it seems sensible to keep Anna front and centre.

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