On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons, breathing the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet, and dreamed of Scotland. (edit: or, ...marching feet, and dreaming of Scotland.)
In point of fact, even the word "summer" probably isn't needed; I'd let the following pages set the full scene, and in fact, the "as hot a day" shows us, rather than telling us. But again, that's for the bigger picture, not as an excerpt.)
As to the scream and the Spanish exclamation, I'm not sure why either the vocalisation or the exclamation is needed there. She's startled back to the realities of her situation by a scream, coming very closeby. Does the Aiee or the exclamation lead to something? I mean, does she find out who this woman is, become friends with her? If we never actually see the screamer after this, I'd keep it simple.
edit some more: your two posts popped in as I was posting this one. If there's a specific element that you think is necessary for contest submission, ignore the above. I don't know how these contests work, so I was addressing it as fiction, rather than as a excerpt.
Why not just:
A nearby woman’s scream startled Anna back to Spain and the marching army.
I say that as a person who never thinks of things in yards.
FWIW, the scream most definitely leads to something, and the screamer is a fairly major secondary character.
I think Ginger's suggestion is FG.
Heh. My marching band roots are showing. I think in yards all the time.
I also think in distances, for sound; musician's roots, likely.
If the screamer's important, that's a whole nother ball of wax.
But I like Ginger's suggestion for somehow shortening and simplifying it. If I understand this contest thing properly, you're only sending them a bit, right? So it seems sensible to keep Anna front and centre.
Well, a longish bit. First chapter, up to 30 pages. It was 26 before I started this editing pass, and since this is mostly just a tweak, it'll stay in that ballpark.
And the current version of that sentence is now very close to Ginger's suggestion. But as for keeping Anna front and center, she
is,
of course, but the screamer is something of a driving factor in this chapter, so we get to know her pretty well, too.
Oh, good - so the screamer works in early? Cool.
I always hesitate to offer suggestions without knowing what happens just before or just beyond.
[link] (the picture of the woman washing at teh stream)
The camera, remarkably intact, was found in some nearby bushes, apparently thrown by the man just before he was clubbed to death. When they developed the plate, the male detectives nodded to themselves.
"She looks like a troublemaker. He must have interrupted her while she was doing something nefarious."
The cleaning women later passed the picture amongst themselves.
"He interrupted her while she was trying to get her work done. He got what he deserved."
