Why not just:
A nearby woman’s scream startled Anna back to Spain and the marching army.
I say that as a person who never thinks of things in yards.
I love the smell of desperate librarian in the morning.
Snyder ,'Showtime'
The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
Ginger - Mar 17, 2005 2:17:19 pm PST #679 of 10001
"It didn't taste good. It tasted soooo horrible. It tasted like....a vodka martini." - Matilda
Susan W. - Mar 17, 2005 2:18:41 pm PST #680 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
FWIW, the scream most definitely leads to something, and the screamer is a fairly major secondary character.
erikaj - Mar 17, 2005 2:18:46 pm PST #681 of 10001
I'm a fucking amazing catch!--Fiona Gallagher, Shameless(US)
I think Ginger's suggestion is FG.
Susan W. - Mar 17, 2005 2:20:30 pm PST #682 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
Heh. My marching band roots are showing. I think in yards all the time.
deborah grabien - Mar 17, 2005 2:26:05 pm PST #683 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
I also think in distances, for sound; musician's roots, likely.
If the screamer's important, that's a whole nother ball of wax.
But I like Ginger's suggestion for somehow shortening and simplifying it. If I understand this contest thing properly, you're only sending them a bit, right? So it seems sensible to keep Anna front and centre.
Susan W. - Mar 17, 2005 2:32:14 pm PST #684 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights
Well, a longish bit. First chapter, up to 30 pages. It was 26 before I started this editing pass, and since this is mostly just a tweak, it'll stay in that ballpark.
And the current version of that sentence is now very close to Ginger's suggestion. But as for keeping Anna front and center, she is, of course, but the screamer is something of a driving factor in this chapter, so we get to know her pretty well, too.
deborah grabien - Mar 17, 2005 2:45:39 pm PST #685 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Oh, good - so the screamer works in early? Cool.
I always hesitate to offer suggestions without knowing what happens just before or just beyond.
Connie Neil - Mar 17, 2005 3:03:08 pm PST #686 of 10001
brillig
[link] (the picture of the woman washing at teh stream)
The camera, remarkably intact, was found in some nearby bushes, apparently thrown by the man just before he was clubbed to death. When they developed the plate, the male detectives nodded to themselves.
"She looks like a troublemaker. He must have interrupted her while she was doing something nefarious."
The cleaning women later passed the picture amongst themselves.
"He interrupted her while she was trying to get her work done. He got what he deserved."
deborah grabien - Mar 17, 2005 3:13:39 pm PST #687 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.
Heh. Nice one.
Beverly - Mar 17, 2005 3:24:09 pm PST #688 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.
Sail, I love your "mama please" drabble, and connie, hah! I'm really loving all the drabbles. This week's topic has been a resounding success as a writing prompt. A sheaf of tulips, a decent bottle of wine and the fancy chocolate to Teppy in gratitude!